Chinedu’s Cheap iPhone, Our Expensive Wahala

Inside BRT today ehn, wahala nearly choke me. One guy just brought out iPhone 15 Pro Max (yes, the one that can fry egg and cook beans with the camera) and started whispering like Nollywood ritualist to my guy, Chinedu. He said, “Bros abeg, my papa dey for emergency ward. Doctor say we need exactly ₦80,000 before they can start surgery. Take this phone, just ₦80k last.” Immediately he mentioned ₦80k, hunger to buy began to do gymnastics in Chinedu’s stomach. He no even think twice. He just shouted: “Guy, I go run ₦55k last. Take am or leave am.” Me I was already suspicious. But as I collected the phone to check, the thing fine die. No crack, no scratch. And guess what? The lockscreen wallpaper was the seller himself flexing inside nightclub with Moët bottle. I told Chinedu: “Guy, this thing fit be stolen oh.” Chinedu just hissed: “Abeg abeg. Once I flash am and change casing, I go even resell for ₦500k. Na sharp investment.” Before I could say “EFCC,” Chinedu had already transferred the ₦55k. We came down from the bus and the man jogged away dramatically, shouting: “Thank you, God bless you. My papa go survive!” Chinedu and I sat under one mango tree to press the phone. Two minutes in, the phone just went black like NEPA seized light. We thought maybe battery low, so we carried it to go charge. As we plugged it, the screen just came back on by itself like film trick. Next thing we saw: “Searching…” The icon was just turning round and round like suya on charcoal. After two minutes it changed to: “TRACKING… TRACKING… TRACKING…” Na me dey hold the phone that time. Sharp sharp, I hand the phone back to Chinedu. He refused. “Bro, no gree. Hold am. Finish wetin you start.” “Chinedu collect your phone abeg!” He said: “No worry, maybe na tracking network. Shey I dey here with you? Just dey hold am.” “Tracking network kwa? Oya hold the network in your hand yourself. I no be MTN.” I forced the phone into his pocket and started waka home. Na so Chinedu suddenly screamed like person wey see masquerade and sprinted past me. I chased him shouting: “Why you dey run?” He screamed back: “The phone don show ‘Location Found’!!!” “Which location?” I shouted. “I no know oh! E fit be OUR location!!” Omo, I nearly faint. I was running with him until I realized something: the phone was still in HIS hand. Without saying a word, I branched left into one small bush path. Only for me to turn back and see Chinedu still running behind me… WITH THE PHONE RAISED HIGH LIKE TORCHLIGHT. At that point I knew, if dem catch us, na we go be the surgery patients.

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