December 25th - by Olutayo Adefila

Happy birthday to my one and only Abba. I may not know the official day, but that doesn’t remove the need to celebrate. You know, we met a month or so before this day three years ago. And suddenly, Christmas had a meaning. It wasn’t just no school and receiving gifts. It was the birthday of my closest Friend. Today, I didn’t tell You Happy Birthday when I woke up. I got caught up in my chef duties and tried hard to talk to You, but I just couldn’t focus. It was like wishing to be alone with that one person, but worse, because You’re always with me. And then I start to feel like a snob for not being able to just pause and talk to You… I wanted to write about Christmas, but I ended up pouring out how I feel to You here. I think, other than the many times You’d shock me with a revelation as I study scripture, one of my favourite memories of us was when You gave me the desire to write. You’d painted this clandestine image in my mind, a treasure I try to hold on to; to fulfill. Happy Birthday doesn’t feel like enough. It’s cliche and too easy to say. But I’d only managed to say so past 9 pm. I wanted to give You so much, but You only asked that I write for you. I’d planned to gift You a collection of pieces today. But time slid through my fingers and now… this is all I have to offer. We both know how “special” my life is. I still don’t think it’s an excuse, though. Lately, I’ve wondered if I’m busy or I just don’t care enough. Maybe if I pushed harder, was smarter with my time. You say You don’t require any of this from me, but it doesn’t make me feel less unworthy. Not like I could ever be… worthy. I remember when I needed to check for my flight details and had to go from airline to airline. It ended up being a waste of time, and I got my details without hassle. I asked why and You said, “It’s because you need to be doing something to feel like a solution will emerge.” It was a taunt, and I got your point. I hope I’ll trust you more in the New Year and not lean so much on my own ability. Much more, I hope we get closer. Closer than we are now. More and more until You claim my whole heart. Until there is no room for the carnal and unedifying. Until I stare into the eyes of the one who saved me. To see the innocence that stayed with you, even after you grew up. Even unto death. Merry Christmas, Abba. I love You. Happy Birthday. Your daughter, Tayo.

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