" Do I Have Dyslexia or What?" - by Dolapo Oludairo

I shared this writing last year but took it down. I'm sharing again and this time I'm keeping it. I left everything written as is and so the writing contains information from a year ago, although I still have the same struggles (maybe even worse). I hope this writing reaches the right audience too and if you find this relatable, I hope you're doing well. Please leave a comment, as I'd like to know your thoughts on this. ________________________________ " Do I Have Dyslexia or What?" I'm sitting here, feeling like a total failure. I've always been the type of person who picks things up easily, but lately, it's like my brain has turned to mush. I'm struggling to understand even the simplest concepts, and it's infuriating. To be honest, this whole writing was supposed to be done using AI because my brain just wasn't putting the words together. For a while now, I've struggled with remembering things. And even when I try to read, the words get jumbled up <img alt="" src="/media/inline_insight_image/1000388787.jpg"/>I recently took on an online forex trading class and in the beginning, I thought it would be a breeze , giving my previous level of intelligence growing up. Instead, it was hard. Understanding anything was hell for me. The calculations, the charts, the entries, everything was hard for me. At first I contemplated possible dyslexia. I had some difficulty with reading and comprehension, I also struggled to remember sequences and patterns. Some other things I faced were, trouble with word retrieval and naming objects and feeling anxious or stressed when faced with written material. But then I started looking into symptoms of dyslexia and I realized that wasn't it at all. I sat down, retraced my steps, and that was when it hit me. I'm not dyslexic at all. It was something else.The real truth is, lately, I've been dealing with a crazy level of depression, frustration and suicidal thoughts. I can't seem to concentrate or focus on anything. I use to be very proud of my intelligence, my ability to learn quickly and easily. You're probably wondering what happened to me and why I became so depressed. I'm an 18 year old aspiring fashion designer and I sew clothes by hand. Ever since I discovered my undying passion for fashion design, I've wanted nothing more than to study in a reputable fashion institute. Unfortunately for me, that might never happen. The plan I had for my life was to go abroad, study fashion and get a certificate or even a degree , but my family had a different plan for my life. Everyone else thinks fashion designing is just a side skill but that isn't what it is for me. Fashion designing is my life. I've never wanted anything but to study fashion and become a certified fashion designer. Well, my family wants me to go to school so I can be like the other children around. I'm not a fan of being like everyone else, by the way. I love being my own person and having my own ideas, instead of following laid down life protocols like everybody else. According to my dad, I should be just like my peers. He's the kind of person who believes more in the usual go to school, graduate, get a well paying job, and things like that. But unlike him, I believe everyone should do what makes them happy whether it pays them or not. But then again, is there anything in the world that doesn't pay? Everything that exists can now be easily monetized. That's the world we live in today. Fashion designing is one of the most amazing careers out there and that's the area where I belong. It's not going to happen now though. I'll be going to the university soon to study history. I have no idea how I'll get through it for the next 5 years, but I do hope I'll make it out alive and sane. It feels devastating knowing that you won't get to live the dreams and the aspirations you have for yourself. It's painful watching your dreams slowly getting blown away with the wind. It feels like you've lost it all. <img alt="" src="/media/inline_insight_image/1000388802.jpg"/>I made a decision. I'll do what they want. I won't be happy, but I'll try to make it work. It still hurts to see that nobody cares how I feel, but I know that there are millions of people out there , going through worse than I am, who haven't given up yet. That, for me , is reason enough to be brave and never give up too. If you're reading this, and you're going through the same thing too, I want you to know that you're not alone. We're all in this together. And to the people who raise awareness about depression, suicide, and even mental health conditions out there , including things like dyslexia, it feels great having you all around. <img alt="" src="/media/inline_insight_image/1000388808.jpg"/>Although I'm still hurting, I believe that someday I will be just fine and life will continue for me even better than I know it to be. Maybe someday I'll write again and at that time, I'll be feeling even better about life. Hopefully it will happen soon for me. Even sooner than I expect.

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