LETTER NO 59 - by Khadijah Mohammed

Hello love, it has been a while I wrote to you… frankly speaking, I don’t really know what to say, but I will let the words flow. And maybe it will make sense. The last time we spoke, we didn’t speak; it was nothing but hurtful words, a lot of yelling, a lot of words that needed not be said. You broke some things and I walked out, away from you, away from us. The plan wasn’t to leave, but I don’t know what truly happened, I just drove, I drove away. I kept driving and before I knew it, it had been nine months since I last saw you, your beautiful face, your beautiful presence. By the time I realized what had happened, I had become used to the silence, the silence from being away from you, I thought I was free, I had found the peace I thought I was longing for. At that point, it didn’t matter to me that I left you crying, begging even. All that mattered to me at that point was me, I know, it was selfish, I am selfish. I remember you begging me not to leave and still, I walked away. I just wanted to get away. I didn’t see you, well, I chose not to, the one person that had been with me, through it all. I ignored your calls and your messages. I’m not gonna lie, knowing that you were miserable without me gave me a kind of relief and I had the time of my life. I lived recklessly, more daring and honestly, more foolishly. And one day, the calls lessened and the messages stopped. The parties became boring and the girls, well, they weren’t you. I tried to call you, but it never through, I guess you changed your number. I went to the house, and you had moved. Going back there was like a nostalgic feeling. I remembered everything we went through in that house. It was everything I wanted to go back to but you weren’t there, so what’s the point? I tried to reach out to your friends but some didn’t reply me and others ignored. But there was one, she told me that you were fine and you had moved on and I should stop calling you. I tried asking her if you were seeing someone but she said something that stayed with me, “she didn’t have to”. As time went on, I realized that the silence was suffocating and your presence was all I needed. I have missed every inch of you, your smile, touch, your beauty. I have missed everything about you. To be honest, I don’t even remember why we ever fought in the first place. What was the problem? I don’t know but I know, I screwed up, I messed up and I want to fix it. Just tell me, how can I? What can I do right now that will make you see that I am serious? I will never walk away, I will never make you cry, I will never leave you alone. I will never leave. Just tell me! Please tell me! Your memories are driving me crazy. Why can’t you see that I am crazy? I am crazy about you. Please give me a chance my love. I thought I was hurting you when I left, but I broke my heart when I left you. I love you, I have never loved anyone the way I love you, so please forgive me. I hope one day, you will reply me. With love, To my beloved

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