More Than Consent - by Oluwaseun Balogun

In the heart of Lagos, Chinedu and Ada embodied the modern Nigerian marriage: ambitious professionals juggling 9-5s, family duties, and date nights. After four years, they prided themselves on openness especially sexually to keep the spark alive. One humid evening, scrolling X (formerly Twitter), Chinedu shared a risqué suggestion he'd seen trending. Ada's face tightened. "Babe, I no dey feel am," she said, laughing it off nervously.He didn't push at first. Over jollof dinners and okada rides, he circled back: "This go make us closer die. Real trust mean say we fit try everything, abi? Other couples dey hammer am." Ada, raised in conservative Igbo home but catching woke vibes from Nollywood rom-coms, no wan look backward. She agreed. Consent given, no force. But weeks later, she grew distant affection waned, gist shortened. What Chinedu saw as bold move carved invisible rift.This situation reflects a deeper question: Should consent alone determine what is acceptable in marriage, even sexually?Mutual consent is often hailed as the ultimate rule for couples. It forms the foundation of healthy sex, ensuring both partners join willingly, free from coercion, fear, or tricks. In marriage, where trust and vulnerability are central, consent lets couples explore together and build stronger bonds. From this view, what consenting adults do privately is no one's business. Dan Savage puts it plain: "Your kink isn't my kink, but your consent isn't my business." Studies back it adventurous couples feel happier short-term. In Nigeria, many young Lagos adults see open sex as marriage fuel. Our Violence Against Persons Act only targets non-consent. It empowers, especially women shaking off old norms.But consent alone can crack. Reducing everything to "yes" ignores real harm. John Gottman, whose marriage research predicts divorce with stunning accuracy, says lasting love needs "mutual respect and responsiveness." Agreement isn't enough emotional safety matters. Consent doesn't block subtle pressure: persuasion, guilt, or fear of letting down a partner. Ada's story shows it even "free" yes can leave scars.Power dynamics make it worse. In marriage, one side might agree just to dodge fights or keep peace, despite inner doubt. Nigerian culture adds weight men often lead financially, women feel pushed to "manage." Esther Perel warns in Mating in Captivity: "Yes without enthusiasm is compliance." Sex isn't just physical; it's emotional glue. Choices causing unease erode dignity and trust over time. Local reports link bedroom gaps to rising divorces. Even Scripture (Proverbs 5:18-19) calls sex honorable, not reckless.So consent is necessary but not enough. Healthy intimacy needs boundaries built on respect, awareness, and shared values. Marriage isn't pure freedom it's guarding each other's heart. Couples thrive by demanding "joyful yeses" and regular check-ins: "Still good?" Gottman's talks or Perel's maps guide it. If Chinedu had said, "Your no deepens my respect let's find our way," Ada blooms, love strengthens. Consent opens doors; care builds lasting homes.In Nigeria's blend of tradition and TikTok, "anything goes with consent" fails. The healthiest path is "what builds, protects, honors both." True intimacy lives not just in permission, but in care.

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