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Content Specialist @ ICUC Social
Oslo, Norway
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My knees are cold!
<p>I did not expect to be talking about loss this soon but oh well, such is this fleeting, unpredictable life. </p><p>They say grief manifest itself in many ways. In tears, in grappling panic, in falling apart and weeping on your knees. It comes in silence too, in suffocating solitude, in shaky limbs and a blank mind…and other times, you are wondering <em>when</em> you will finally mourn this loss. </p><p>You hear the news and wait to break.</p><p>But instead, all you get are knees that won’t stop freezing… in summer!</p><p>When you ask Google, it tells you that you are holding grief in your body. That it might be inhibited grief which is just a fancy way of saying you are pretending to be fine when you are not. With this kind of grief, you try hard not to think about it, you close the door on your feelings. You distract yourself until you can no longer remember the sound of your heart breaking when you got that phone call.</p><p>But grief does not stay locked out. She will be felt in all her glory. </p><p>She finds her way in, through your joints, your veins, every quiet space in your body. Your body keeps score. Tension settles in. Your breath shortens. Something always feels slightly off, slightly wrong…like your body knows something your mind is refusing to hold.</p><p>Think of everything you have felt with fever or malaria. The back pain, joint pain, headaches, shortness of breath, digestive problems, sensitivity to noise, heart palpitations, queasiness, nausea, increased allergy symptoms, changes in appetite, weight loss or gain, agitation and generalized tension, cold and even the flu…she activates it all.</p><p>And it feels sorely like betrayal. Like your own body is working against you.</p><p>I<em> am just trying to keep it together, why now?</em></p><p>But maybe this is protection. Maybe this is how the body carries what the mind cannot. Because we think grief is only emotional, but it is not. It is physical. It lives in you.</p><p>So for me, I am sitting in my room, heater turned up to the highest, and my knees are cold, ice cold.</p><p>My ‘empty mind’ fills quickly.</p><p><em>Am I getting sick? Is this serious? What is wrong with me?</em></p><p>I begin to spiral. Fear and anxiety join me, loud and uninvited.</p><p>I am reminded of my mortality.</p><p>And then, I remember the loss.</p><p>I unravel.</p><p>Tears and pain and cold knees on the bathroom floor.</p><p><br/></p>
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