NAVIGATING THE DATING POOL - by Oluseyi Vandy

This is a topic that everyone is tired of including me, and yet it keeps appearing and on our phone screens, and rightly so.  Family is the most important thing in human existence, right next to money and purpose. It's tricky because all the money in the world can not fill the hole of a loving family. Likewise, having no money can wreck or put a strain on what could be a happy and loving family. The issue with most of the posts online, is it has been taken over for woke-talking points. This takes known age-old facts and seeks to modernize it, then use it as a tool to attack one party or the other. On the flip side, the other talking point seeks to fight the woke point, which makes the message a bit hard for the people that need to hear it, because they take up a defensive stance. If you've not realized it yet, this post is going to hit below the belt since that is the region many people love to use in thinking and engaging with life. These are some of the issues that needs to be addressed for a successful relationship.  BOUNDARIES: Have set out boundaries and lines that you both agree on. People with self respect know who they are, this makes it easier for those who engage with you know how you would like to be treated and lines not to cross. You state them and respect the other person's. This way there is a mutual understanding and respect from both parties. It is important to make sure your values align, this will help in reducing friction and you not changing who you are or feeling like you shrunk yourself. ECONOMY: We've heard the saying "What we now have is not love but survival." People will blame the current state of the nation but it gives you no excuse to act like a tax collector when you did not put money in anyone’s hands.  The issue is instead of coming together to work through things, we call each other broke which is the most hilarious thing if you ask me, seeing that we are all in a "poor nation". It's not even sustainable, because not everyone can even end up with a billionaire or a baller. I know the glam of social media makes us believe that many wake up in yatchs and sip mocktails all day, but when you're ready to find peace and settle down in the real world, just pick someone who has direction and has a vision you can connect to. Trust: There's a saying that Nigeria traumatise it's citizens, you just won't know till you travel out. Trust is one of the ways in which we as a people have been scarred. You see this in every aspect: politics, business, trade and even relationship.  We all want to be "wise" and feel we are "sharp", hence we create a self fulfilling prophecy. We either create the atmosphere for infidelity or create narratives and cope like they are probably doing it, so I might as well.  We are not used to transparency, this is the hardest thing to do because it makes you accountable to someone else, it can be threatening to your independence, but then if you wanted independence you shouldn't be in a relationship.  Do not get me wrong, I'm not saying you should be a fool and not watch your partner, or that you shouldn't respect your partner's privacy, but it's a thing that over time you learn what the right balance is through discussions and giving a bit of trust which is needed for a relationship to work. OPTIONS: We are in an era where we are spoiled for choice. The next handsome or beautiful individual is just a click and scroll away and this builds an insatiable hunger in some. For others, they can't endure or learn to build because there are many fish in the sea. The problem is, just because the fish is many doesn't mean you'd catch a better one. In most cases you find that the one you caught is probably your level. No matter how much you believe you are better or deserve more, it's what you're worth you tend to attract to yourself. THE ILLUSION OF VALUE: Because of the fast-paced world we live in and the games being played, people develop a false sense of value. You may be ill mannered, not very bright, or have such a great flaw, but because your dms are constantly full, you believe the world is your oyster or everyone else is the problem. This can be really bad, especially for those who don't take some time on their own to contemplate after a break up. They quickly switch into another relationship and then when there's another breakup you hear the usual "men are scum", "women ain't shit".  Over time, when you get tired of the rotation of people walking in and leaving your life, you begin to ask the compelling questions, "Just maybe... could I be the problem?" As you waste time with the revolving door policy, you will find that you may not not be as desirable as you once were. So always do your best to look at a situation with as clear an eye as you can to know what went wrong and your own part in the matter. YOU ARE WRONG: This is a mindset you have to come to grips with, the idea that you may not be always right. Hell, sometimes when you are, you still apologise, just because you love the person. Doesn't mean you put up with rubbish, but then some situations are not about who's right or wrong. It's just letting the other see that it's both of you against the issues. Also, some issues are a matter of perception or misunderstanding a message communicated. To get to the bottom of it, come from a point of how can we solve this, not whose fault is this. If the person has a fault, it can be addressed as well. Let the person be made aware of the trait that is an issue in as calm a way as possible especially as human reaction is to first take things in a defensive manner. SPENDING IS CARING: This point will have people broke shaming and ripping off their extensions. Please don't, we all know how costly hair now is😂. We've heard/seen so much of this on podcasts. People manipulating truth and fact for selfishness and greed. Let's keep it a buck, in an economy where we know everyone needs money, if someone wants your attention, is there any quicker way to get it than flashing cash? The thing is this has long been taken into account by the player. Now, why waste time getting to know someone when you can pull this move and move on?  Sure, no one is hurt if that's how you choose to live. My problem is when you start working to change the narrative because your conscience tells you the profession you have dabbled into, you then start working overtime to convince others and yourself that it's something else. Or even worse, you then take that and try to force it on every other person believing you're that valuable. If you were, the said spender would not move on from you or let you go. They'd move heaven and earth to keep you with both money and actions. But the idea of provision has been warpped to spending is caring.  Provision is something different, something pure with the best intention. The money would just be another tool at their disposal to show that care, not the only tool. CHECK YOUR STANDARDS: Social media and the gram has made people forget that the real world is not all glam. As much as everyone including myself would love to experience that, not everyone will be with a billionaire/politician/oil tycoon. For some it'd be going out maybe once every 3 months or even longer. The main focus is that your family is taken care of. Again, the economic reality is a kick in the nuts for everyone, so why put a pressure that is unfair to someone and yourself for the opinion of others? The truth many need to come to terms with is as special and unique as we may be, we are not special. This is because every other person is unique and special. As the saying goes, "where your own stop, na where another person own begin". I say this to say, be humble, be content. Have enough respect for yourself not to let another trample on your beliefs and image of self, but know when your standards are just extreme or borderline silly. If you cannot comfortably do what you are demanding of others, then you have no right to demand it.

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