"Not That Special"

I’ve never had a good history with relationships.Family, friends, anything more than that—It always felt like I was trying to hold water in my hands. At some point, I gave up. Not because I stopped caring, But because I didn’t know how to care the "right" way.But as you know humans can be quiet dependent on each other People say I’m rude. Spoilt. Cold-hearted. Maybe I am rude—I do enjoy teasing the people I love. But cold-hearted? That’s the part that stings. Because I’m the opposite. I remember almost every remark they make, Every joke that feels like a jab. I carry those words like souvenirs, hoping they don’t hate me. I know when someone’s just talking to me to kill time. I know when I’m the backup friend, The one who’s remembered only when the others aren’t around. And sometimes I wanted to say it out loud-“Hey, I know you’ll forget about me once your friends show up again.” But that'll just end up ruining the supposed relationship, so I kept quiet Back then, I used to think: "At least they need me." Even if it’s only when they’re lonely. Even if it’s not real. I don’t open up easily. Not because I don’t want to—but because I’m scared I’ll cry. because I’ve cried before. More than once. reminds me of my first almost-love story. A close friend. I knew he liked me for years, and I pretended not to notice. I was scared of losing him. Peer pressure made me wonder: "What if we dated?" He was kind. Familiar. But I didn’t feel the same. And I knew how wrong it could go. Why date someone who likes me when I don’t like them back? Why pretend? Why risk everything? But nobody cared. It was all for “cruise,” as they said. A joke. A trend. But I didn’t want that. Not with him. He looked at me like I was his next target. Not in a creepy way—it just didn't feel like he liked me, not like I'm one to say anythingjust like every guy who’s ever asked for my number.( I’m not that pretty, so it’s not like there were many.) But still… I knew he liked me for a reason I couldn’t see. Still can’t. Maybe it was God’s will that we never happened. Because I would’ve regretted it. But I didn’t come out unscathed. I messed with his feelings.He hated me.Everyone insulted me. No one took me seriously.But I deserved it He called me “used trash” in front of the class. I messaged him online, asking if we could be friends again. Even after he confessed. I was the bad guy. But I never hated him. I just wanted my best friend back,But since that ended up making things worsebrushing off his feelings like it didn't matter,but they did, just didn't know how to tell him. but deep downI just want him to hate me. but I know that's just being selfish so I pray,pray that you forget me. Because I’m not that special.and find someone who genuinely likes you. And maybe this is my punishment.For messing with someone’s heart. For not knowing how to say "no" without hurting.For being soft-hearted in a world that doesn’t allow me to be.for realizing how I truly felt a lot too late. Now I have someone,Someone I actually like,And that's the part that scares me. Because how do I let myself feel again When I still carry the guilt of what I did before? How do I believe I deserve something real When I once pretended to feel something that wasn't. So now I hope he never finds out how much I think about him. Because there’s no way he’d ever like me back.especially with the way I messed with another person's feelings

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