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10
Safe?
<p>He came close.</p><p>He tucked my hair behind my ear, his breath warm on my neck.</p><p>“Safe space,” he whispered.</p><p>Safe.</p><p>But for me, "safe" smells like everything that happened before I even clocked 8.</p><p>Safe feels like a heavy hand pinning me down.</p><p>Safe tastes like the blood in my mouth from when I bit my tongue so I wouldn’t scream.</p><p>I close my eyes.</p><p>I really want to feel something,to feel turned on.</p><p>But instead, the projector in my head just starts.</p><p>The scenes are skipping, fast and broken.</p><p>One after the other.</p><p>Like a scratched CD that is stuck, and I can't eject it.</p><p>I force myself back to the present.</p><p>I pretend everything is fine.</p><p>He is already touching me, so I just smile to give him the signal.</p><p>“Continue,” I say.</p><p>I tell myself it’s just sex.</p><p>It’s a lie I’ve told myself so many times that it’s starting to sound like the truth.</p><p>But my body knows the real story.</p><p>My body flinches.</p><p>My body remembers everything.</p><p>Twelve years ago, someone was shouting at me while they were inside me.</p><p>Twelve years ago, a slap silenced me.</p><p>Twelve years ago, I was stolen from myself.</p><p>And now, this man is here asking if I’m comfortable.</p><p>I tell him "Yes."</p><p>But my brain is screaming "No."</p><p>And my body is saying "Never."</p><p>For me, sex isn't sex.</p><p>It’s haunting. It’s like sleep paralysis.</p><p>I am wide awake, but I’m trapped.</p><p>I’m suffocating under a weight that isn’t even there anymore.</p><p>Sometimes I forget to moan.</p><p>I forget that something is even inside me.</p><p>I forget that I’m supposed to react.</p><p>Because in my head, it is happening all over again.</p><p>I am trying.</p><p>God knows I am trying so hard.</p><p>But the tape in my head refuses to stop.</p><p>It rewinds. It replays. It ruins everything.</p><p>I just want to be normal.</p>
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2
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