Sexual Limits in Marriage: Safety or Inhibition

There are, perhaps, two ways to understand this. If summarized as “Sexual Limits”, then the first interpretation can be “Sexual Boundaries”, which are subset of general boundaries, and are necessary for nurturing a fulfilling sex life – within marriage as well, as in this case. The second can be limits imposed by inhibitions or a fear of judgement, amongst other things that is. The first is about intimacy and comfort, while the second is about shame.Boundaries, which have been succinctly defined as the emotional or psychological lines we draw between ourselves and others to ensure our safety, well-being, and happiness, are essential in every type of relationship. It is quite common for passion to die in the bedroom, and there are quite a number of causes; a lot of which can be solved by communication. The second interpretation of "sexual limits" posits that one of these causes is inhibition.But, first, let us separate the two interpretations: Sexual Boundaries Consent is front and center in these conversations. In marriage, it tends to be… set aside, a lot. (Due to a culture that still receives bride price/dowry, but that is insight for another day.) In a healthy relationship, choice should be respected; and enthusiastic consent from both partners is key. In an article (written by an Erica Garza), the following are listed as categories for establishing sexual boundaries: clothing, body parts, sexual activities, barrier methods, and emotional boundaries. These include, respectively, how much nudity you are comfortable with, where you want to touch/be touched, pillow talk/the ‘where’ and ‘when’ of sex/oral, penetrative or anal sex, contraception, and after care. It is also important to note that, because marriage is fundamentally a forever-relationship – and relationships are fundamentally talking, and watching the other person go through different phases of their lives – boundaries are susceptible to change. As a person grows, their boundaries may change with time. (Hence, there is no need to try to talk one’s partner into/out of something.) Inhibition, Shame & Fear of Judgement As mentioned above, it is quite common for passion to die in the bedroom for married couples. After the first few years (honeymoon phase), a lot of couples tend to experience sexual problems, including the following: Inability to Climax, Scheduled sex for conception, Out-of-sync (mismatched) libidos, Erectile Dysfunction (ED), et.c. But perhaps none is up to par with the simple refusal to explore the extent of one’s sexuality with one’s partner, due to shame. Inhibition can be quite powerful. And as mentioned, the importance of communication in marriage cannot be over-emphasized, because, most, if not all, of these problems can be solved by striving towards peak connection. This inhibition to explore sex (this includes kinks and fetishes) with one’s partner have roots in things like religion and the psychological theory of the Madonna-Whore Complex (MWC). Religion Marriage is often regarded as a religious (sub)institution, which it is, if ancient cultures are ignored. In many religions, marriage is considered sacred, so rules concerning sex are prevalent. The thing with these rules is that they can be rather purist, puritanical and downright prudish. Having being raised religious, there are couples who have conservative views on sex and sensuality. This also ties into the disregard of the concept of marital rape: because religion usually teaches women to be submissive, the need for consent in marriage usually takes a back seat. It has also created the concept of “duty sex”. These views also include the belief that sex is strictly for procreation. This (leads to) lack of physical intimacy, and hence, a decline in connection. Madonna-Whore Complex Speaking of a disconnect, (according to an article by afrobeatshq, and Wikipedia, of course) the Madonna-Whore complex describes a pattern found in men, where they compartmentalize their physical needs and their need for affection, and project this unto women, by boxing them into “two mutually exclusive archetypes”: the Madonna, who is pure, maternal, and deserving of respect; and the whore, who is “suitable only for physical gratification, undeserving of respect or a deeper emotional connection”. This seems to be rooted in a controlling behavior of the patriarchy, but there is shame here too. A man, unable to be sexually vulnerable with a woman he adores, so much so that he searches for that “freedom” without his marriage, is a sad picture. (It is interesting to note that the man who came up with this theory called it "psychic impotence", and that this also implies inhibition.) There is also an identity crisis; for the married woman here. Other… Limits Marriage usually comes with a host of things, some expected, others learned through experience. One of such things is the responsibility of children. Another is earning potential (of a married couple). Without constant communication, “for richer, for poorer… in sickness and in health” can become a source of contention, and in time, resentment. The arrival of children may bring with it a decline in a couple’s sex life. From changes in the woman’s body to post-partum depression, sex can be made to take a back seat. There is also exhaustion from work, erectile dysfunction, mismatched libidos and initiation (of sex) languages. There are limits put on oneself as well, often under the misnomer of “self-respect” or “dignity”. These are chains, more than anything; learned inhibitions from conservative views passed down. The term “freak” might have been reclaimed, but there is still a lot of shame there. Especially for married couples. If not already religious, a lot of married people may tend to (want to) “outgrow” their “wild sex days”. Final Thoughts If marriage can be viewed as a “forever-relationship”, where both partners talk and listen to each other, learn each other, and watch each other grow as people, then communication should be something to strive for, every day. So should mutual respect, and in turn, mutual consent. The exploration of sex and sexuality between partners in search of deeper connection should not be governed by some societal rule or a fear of judgement, or even a religion. It should be governed, solely, by the individual members of a couple, and their mutual choices.

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