Suicide: I Was Told I Have A Bad Heart. - by Yahweh's Delight ✨❤️‍🔥

‎Suicide, it's one word I hear that gets me squirming on my seat. Not because I fear for the people who attempt it or may have attempted it. Not because I read about cases of suicidal people on the internet. Not because it's a virus that keeps spreading quickly. Not because I know someone who escaped from it's claws.‎‎Suicide, it's one word I hear that makes my heart beat uncontrollably. It's a topic when brought up in conferences and talkshows, I'd always have a thing or two to say. A knowing smile etched on my face. The feeling of guilt eating me up, the tears threatening to fall. My eyes turn glossy and I'm handed a tissue paper and the listeners feel like I'm having sympathy for the victims of suicide. Not knowing that I for one was suicidal. ‎‎Suicide, a word that reminds me of my past self. An unending hatred for myself. My insecurities barking at me, cyber bullied, hated amongst friends, fear, self harm , eating disorder, molestation, and anger amongst others. I remember telling a few friend of mine and the shock writing on their faces were unforgettable. " you don't look like someone who's been through such." " I noticed you were sad at some point but I thought it was just the normal issue that most people have at home." "but you're always smiling." (should I stop smiling? Frowning causes wrinkles. Lol)‎‎When I part my lips open to tell people the things I did to end my life they'd never believe. I tried drugs, I tried intentional road accidents, I tried suffocating myself and the list goes on and on. But funny how none worked. I remember on a particular day...I overdosed and I was like "finally I know this would work, I just need to sleep and that's all... I'm gone" funny how I slept and woke up with a slight stomach ache. ‎‎At some points I was advised by one of my mentor to do the things that makes me happy and writing was one of them but imagine joining a writing club only to be told "your works are too dark." "it's depressing." imagine joining a bookclub and it's just one used to throw shades on people's writing just to justify theirs. I tried to ignore it and let go and just when I felt i could handle their stuff, I was thrown off completely. "She is weird." "She is somehow." I guess an anonymous game brings out people's inner demons.‎‎At that point I knew I had to call it quit but the damage was already done. Who was I trying to impress... writing sappy romance and happy endings? So I fell deeper into depression and the tip of the iceberg all happened at home. (that will be a story for another day). I started having eating disorder and I had no idea it was that until I fell sick at some point. I always thought my lack of appetite was just because I was sad and I felt it was something I'd get over. Little did I know I was creating another problem for myself.‎It wasn't until after I read somewhere that eating disorder can be in different ways and mine just happened to be on the list. ‎‎Eventually I thought I'd gotten over it. Although I was happy but it wasn't something I could conserve. Just when I thought I was finally over my suicidal epistle, I was proven otherwise.‎‎‎Suicide, I was told it was because I have a bad heart.‎"No good person will have suicidal thoughts." they said.‎"It's your lies that are catching up to you." She stated.‎"stop pretending." he said.‎So I kept shut... now here I am again drowning deeper and deeper into a pit I thought I crawled out from.‎‎Suicide, I'm tired and I want to close my eyes for a long time.‎I want my heart to be at rest.‎So can I request from you to close my ears from those voices... and lay me to rest peacefully?‎‎Suicide, I Can't wait to see who wins this time. ‎You or Me.‎

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