The Debt of Giving - by Crucible

We have all, at some point, stood on both sides of the fence. Whether we are the ones reaching out or the ones being reached for, the dynamics of giving and receiving within our inner circles—friends, family, and relatives—is a complex grey area. When I was younger, I saw it as a simple "tit-for-tat" transaction. You help me, I help you. But as an adult, I’ve realized there is a much deeper, often unspoken, psychological game at play. The truth about adulthood is realizing that "free" often comes with a catch. Whether it’s that auntie who expects a lifetime of loyalty for one favor, or the friend who brings gifts specifically to "smooth over" future requests, there is often a hidden expectation. Most givers, even the well-intentioned ones, expect some form of reciprocity. It might not be monetary, but they expect a "balance" in the relationship. When that balance shifts, the resentment starts to seep in. On the flip side, there is a dangerous habit that develops in those who constantly seek aid. They become "active hunters," scanning their circle for the person most likely to solve their current crisis. You’ve heard the lines: "My brother is well-positioned, he'll deliver" or "I’ll call my friend, she’s got it." This sentiment is warped. Just because someone has achieved a level of stability doesn't mean they are your personal ATM. Hinging your obligations on someone else’s hard work is, quite frankly, lazy. Your friend's success is not a reason to turn them into a cash cow. I’ve been on the receiving end of the "silent treatment," and I know how demeaning it can be. Calling someone for help and being ignored, or hearing that flat, "busy" tone in their voice, is a direct hit to your self-esteem. Here is the candid truth: if someone genuinely wants to help you—and they have the resources—they won't make you feel "weird" about it. However, if you are constantly pulling the "damsel in distress" card, you eventually become a one-trick pony. People start to see you as a "mark" rather than a friend. Every snubbed call is a reminder that you might be overstaying your welcome in their pocketbook. "Ask and it shall be given" is a promise best left to God, because men will eventually find your asking to be a thorn in their side. There is no shame in a genuine season of lack, but there is shame in losing your self-respect. A gift given with a cynical remark or a demeaning lecture is like receiving a beautiful package covered in filth—the "stink" of the interaction stays on you longer than the money stays in your wallet. We’ve all heard the saying"Givers never lack", but let’s be real: Givers do lack. Everyone has a "red zone." For one person, a N1000 loss is a crisis; for another, it’s N10,000. When someone says they "don't have it," stop playing financial detective and evaluating their spending habits. Furthermore, givers lack when they lack common sense. Giving until you are penniless isn't noble; it’s senseless. You’ll often find that the very people you emptied your pockets for will be the first to ridicule you when you eventually run dry. These are just my random thoughts. Don't rely on anyone to be your ultimate safety net. We are all flawed and easily exhausted. Build your own pillar. For me, that pillar is Christ. For you, it may be different—but whatever it is, ensure it’s sturdier than the fleeting patience of a relative.

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