Breathe - by Ayanfe Adeogun

Like…I can’t breathe.I feel the air in my lungs, but I can’t exhale.I feel myself gasping for air, but I can’t exhale.I feel myself losing my breath while my chest aches’Cause I can’t breathe… Like…I got too many things weighing on me.I can feel Daddy’s pressure crushing on me’Cause he’s telling me all the things he has planned for me,Telling me how much he believes in me,Everything he thinks I could beAnd everything he wants me to be.He says I’ve got a really big destiny.He can feel it whenever he’s looking at me.He’s confident that I’ll fulfil the destiny,But I don’t even know what it is.It’s like— I can feel Mummy’s expectations on me.I feel them weighing on me’Cause she keeps talking about the type of man I should be,Building and molding me to be the best version of me.She’s trying to help meLive up to the dreams that Daddy keeps having of me,While feeding me new dreams that she’s having of me.And it’s all exhausting me’Cause I can’t keep up with all of it.It’s overwhelming me,Tearing me inside out. It’s really killing me.But I let out a smile and continue with it’Cause all of these things, she’s doing them for the good of me,’Cause that’s just how much she loves me. I feel my older brother’s influence on me.I see him setting examples for me,And he has these talks with me ’cause he believes in me.He’s helping me the best he can ’cause he believes in me,Telling me to surpass him ’cause he believes in me,Helping me to get better ’cause he believes in me. And I feel the pressure I put on myself weighing on me,Heavier than all the expectations that I carry with me’Cause I want the best for me.And I want to keep growing; I don’t want to feel myself stagnating.So I can never let myself relax.I can never let myself grow complacent’Cause I got all these big dreams and big plans that I’ve had for myself since I was a kid.And I’ve got dreams of all the things I’d do for my wife and my kids.So I keep hustling; said I hustle like a thief.It’s three in the morning—it doesn’t matter ’cause I’m hustling like a thiefI feel myself breaking down--it doesn't matter 'cause I'm hustling like a thiefI probably won't get any sleep, but it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of thingsI have to push myself to the limit to get the best of me.I have to grow every day and try to leave the negative things behind.And I’d convince myself it’s the truth every other day, but today it’s a lie’Cause there are so many things inside me that are holding me back.I tell myself to let go of it every other night.Like how are you thinking about January in the middle of July?And how can you claim to want peace when you’re still remembering Peace?You keep scratching at that memory like it got bitten by a B.And let’s not forget all the other things you said you’d improve:Your social anxiety—you can feel it worsening.You said it’ll get better, but that’s another lie you tell me.You still have the occasional outbursts when you can’t stop tapping your feet.Hands slowly drumming away on your phone case, or the top of your thighsEar piece in your ears while you try shutting the noises outAnd also a couple other things you can't even write about...And also a couple other things you won't even talk aboutBut things will get better, I promise you that, I promise me that. And with all these things on my chest, I can’t feel my breath.I can’t breathe…

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