Chapters of my heart 2 - by David Lilly-West

This is the part where I saw real change. I became tougher, smarter and I'd say more mature too, but that's the thing — love breaks even the strongest man if he doesn't thread carefully. It swoops in like a thief in the night and you see yourself being immensely captivated by a person that you just know if you ever lose this soul, it's the end for you. But for me, no matter how much I got hurt, I couldn't let go of love. Because why would I let go of the one thing that made me who I am? Chapter Five: Agatha When I lost Grace, I felt empty because she was one of the best things that happened to me in that godforsaken school called Clifford. That breakup hurt me so bad that I couldn't speak to anyone about it, it was me and my thoughts alone and I started taking drugs but not everyone is good with shit like that, and it almost killed me. Yup, heartbreak almost killed me and this won't be the last time it will happen like that. But in the midst of the darkness and turmoil, I met Agatha. But the universe had to make someone who made life so pure live so far away from me. Once again, my fear got the best of me. Everything felt like an attack. Her late replies made me feel like she was about to leave or she wasn't being honest with me. When she didn't communicate it got me scared. Even with the constant reassurance she gave me, I was still scared of giving myself to someone and getting hurt by this person again. So instead of getting over my shit and being the best person for her, I left. Not because I didn't love her, but I had gotten to the point where I didn't see love no more, I saw scores. Didn't see a woman, I saw ego. I got someone older and more mature than me, made me feel good but all for what — the loss of someone who truly loved me. She didn't aim for anything more. She just wanted me to love her the way she needed to be loved, but I was counting scores. Deep down in my heart, I knew I loved this girl, but why my brain and my heart couldn't work hand in hand to give her the love she wanted was the only problem I had. And as crazy as it sounds, me leaving was the best thing for her at that time, because she never deserved the hurt I was bringing. Chapter Six: Edna After months of deceiving myself that I could be a player, someone caught my eye once again. But karma is a bitch and it's bound to return, and I sure had a lot of dues to pay for the pain I caused other people. For someone I met in church, it was kinda shocking it ended in not so godly manner. You were older and cause of how pretty and amazing you were, I lied about my age. But the age I lied about didn't reflect how I acted in the course of our one month relationship. You were older and more mature and immaturity became the cause of our short time together — from the fake prank I pulled to check if you cared, to me constantly fighting to get an I love you back. But it was obvious, I just didn't want to bring myself to the truth that I wasn't the one you wanted. I'm thankful to you cause you brought about a little bit of maturity into my weird world and all this was made possible cause you blessed me with the opportunity to be yours, even if it was for a short while. Chapter Seven: Soala After another fake era of being a player, I met you and you were such light that even till this day I regret the way things ended. You were kind, you understood me, you didn't rush me and made sure to reassure me every time I needed it. You loved me so much that you even gave me a nickname — to me that was a lot, that meant something to me. But this wasn't demons, this wasn't karma, this wasn't West being avoidant, this was clear stupidity. I had left Clifford and obviously I couldn't stop schooling so I went to Babcock and suddenly a girl who I thought was the best for me — or rather who I thought was worth hurting Soala over — but no, it wasn't. She was one of the best things that ever happened to me but once again I let my heart work where my brain needed to work and let go of my darling snuggles. What hurt the most was the fact that she constantly asked and I constantly lied to you that I was just tired, school was hectic, meanwhile I was dancing in the hands of another love. We were never really official but I still feel real bad about everything. I've talked about demons throughout this story but what do I do when someone accepted my demons without complaint and I hurt her? And for that, karma decides that the person I betrayed her with would be my greatest character development yet. Chapter Eight: Nancy I always made a statement about me when I'm in love — that as long as I love you, you don't have to manipulate or gaslight me, I will do that by myself. And Nancy was the perfect definition of this concept. Cause in some way I had to pay for what I did to Soala, and Nancy was the perfect vessel karma used to make me pay dearly for my sins. You hurt me in ways that I couldn't imagine, you knew my pain, knew my worries and you took them and refurbished them. To me the words "I LOVE YOU" were just a means to keep me locked in whilst you kept your options open. I wasn't perfect but you were far from perfect, you knew that no matter what happened I couldn't leave so you used that against me. I wasn't just hurt, I was humiliated. You cheated on me — not once, not twice, three times. And I stayed. Because secondary school West thought if he loved harder, you'd stop. My health issues weren't your problem cause they just gave you the space to be free to do what you needed to really do. The one person I thought would stand by me through the storm was the person who told me that I'd be better off dead. These harsh words were said to an 18 year old boy who was trying his best to stay alive. Depression was taking over, anxiety was taking over and I needed you and you did me so dirty. You brought back the secondary school West I tried so hard to bury and he craved your love so much that he didn't care how many times you hurt him as long as he heard you say I love you West. I lost myself trying to love you and all I can say is maybe you needed it, but once again karma is a bitch and it's bound to return. Chapter Nine: Nmesoma Nmesoma, you were pure. Full of love, but hard to love. You loved me in a way that felt like I had to earn it every day, and when I couldn't earn it, you made me feel like I wasn't worth fighting for and that made me feel some type of way. You weren't a bad person, but you weren't good to me either cause you wanted to leave all the time. Any small argument, any small inconvenience, you were gone. You threatened to leave so many times that I started to believe I was the problem. I started to walk on eggshells around you, scared that one wrong word would make you pack up. That hurt me more than the fights did. In your absence, when you finally left for real, I met someone who made me feel like me again, like I didn't have to beg someone to stay. Chapter Ten: Favour Favour, my demons got the best of me once again. My insecurities and overthinking got the best of me. This one is fully on me and I will never forgive myself for it. You were the calm and I was the storm in my head. You were too sweet for me. After Nancy cheated on me three times, after Nmesoma made me feel like I wasn't worth fighting for, you came and you were just... good. You didn't play games. You called when you said you would call. You loved me loudly, softly, consistently. And I didn't know how to take it. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept waiting for you to cheat, to lie, to tell me I'm better off dead. So I created problems that weren't there. You'd take time to reply and I'd spiral for hours. You'd be tired and I'd think you were tired of me. I accused you of things you never did because I was fighting ghosts from my past that were not you. I was so insecure that I suffocated you with my overthinking. You were too sweet for me and I was too broken for you. You were trying to love a boy who was still bleeding, and instead of letting you heal me, I stained you with my blood. And you left — not because you didn't love me, but because I made it impossible for you to love me in peace. Chapter Eleven: Leah A lot to say about the last girl who made me feel so happy and gravely sad at the same time. Leah, you were both good and bad but you were troubled and you poured it out on me. You were going through a lot, I know, and I tried to be your safe place, but you made me your punching bag. You made me feel like loving me was a burden. When you were good, you were perfect. You made me laugh like a child again. You made me feel like all those years from Grace to Nancy finally made sense because they led me to you. You hugged my demons like Soala did. You made me feel happy — genuinely, stupidly happy. But when you were bad, you were cruel. You would go cold for days and leave me in my head. You would make me beg for reassurance that you were still mine. You knew I have an overthinking problem and you weaponized my silence. You made me feel like every time I asked for love, I was disturbing you. Like I was too much. Like wanting you to love me back the same way was me being needy. All I wanted was for someone to reciprocate the same love I gave them. That's all I've wanted since JS2. Just love me back the way I love you. Is that too much? And what hurts more is I would go back to you in the blink of an eye. If you called right now, I'd answer. If you said "come", I'd come. Even though I know you'd hurt me again. That's how much you broke me. That's how much I still love you.

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