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42
Writer. Poet. Essayist. @ Federal University of Agriculture, Abeokuta.
IDIOMS AND IDIOTS: A COMEDY
<p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Ehem! Prof., did you hear what happened to Clark?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS(boastfully). Don’t you know you’re now speaking with the horse’s mouth?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. So what happened?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. You see, John went to hector Clark.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Ah, Prof., break it down for a layman like me.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. Patience, patience. I haven’t gotten to the heart of the matter yet. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Okay, Prof.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. So John then threatened to harm Clark’s hostages to fortune.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. What does?- Sorry, please go on.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. Clark didn’t take up the gauntlet. Knowing that John had the upper hand, he figured the game was up. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Er, right. So did he pay John the money?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. No. Instead he tried to throw dust in his Uncle’s eye.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Incredible! The poor man must have been blind from the dust!</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. No! No! What I mean is that Clark tried to deceive his Uncle to give him some money.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. For the debt?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. No. I’ve already told you he didn’t pay the debt. He planned to take French leave.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA (proudly). I suppose that means he went to France?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. Ha, ha. Very funny. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Sorry, please proceed. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. You see, Clark was dead broke. For one thing, he couldn’t cut his coat according to his cloth. Materialism was Clark’s Achilles heel.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Who is Achilles?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. Never mind that. Clark tried to curry favour from his Uncle but the Uncle always sat on the fence whenever it came to his nephew’s matter.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. I see.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. So Clark had the sword of Damocles hanging over his head.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Who is Damocles now?</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. I mean Clark was unable to cut the Gordian knot.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. You speak in riddles!</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. My point is that Clark was trying to square the circle.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Now you’re teaching me Mathematics!</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. Ajala, be serious for once!</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Um, sorry, it’s just that…</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. Don’t interrupt me again.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Yes, Prof.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. Where was I? Yes, so Clark was on the horns of a dilemma. To make things worse, he was a blot on the escutcheon. So, as chicken-hearted as he was, he took French leave just at the eleventh hour.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Hm, em, yes.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS. But John was determined to catch Clark by hook or by crook. You cannot out-Herod Herod-</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA(frustrated). Prof! Prof! Prof! Listen! I don’t understand all this grammar!</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS(startled). Surely you must speak English.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">AJALA. Yes, but not this… this… Achilles or Damocles or Gordian!</p><p style="text-align: justify;">EMERITUS(vexed). I must have been wasting my time with you, I take my leave; I have other fish to fry!</p>
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