Lizzy - by Ayanfe Adeogun

Like...I want to tell a story about a girl called LizzyIt's a difficult one to tell ’cause this one really hurts meShe was my friend, at a time she meant a lot to meAnd now I have to recall the events surrounding her leaving meI knew her as this beautiful sweet, fun loving, thoughtful girlYou know, the one whose smile made all your gloom disappearAnd I wanted to know her so I kept asking to be friendsThat was when I realized she didn't believe all those things about herselfAnd it hurt me when she told me, ’cause she couldn't even see her own lightShe thought she was ugly, stupid, unwanted, she called herself fatInsecure in ways I didn't even think could be possible to hear aboutBut she always hid those thoughts behind a shy and shaky smile I still remember the first real conversation that we hadShe was teasing me about something stupid I said in classWe were laughing together, I told her how much she made me smileHow she was beautiful and unique, she said she didn't believe any of thatShe said I was just saying sweet words so I'd get her in my pantsBut what I said was the truth, even though she didn't believe in itEven though she didn't believe in it, her voice held a certain charmThere's just something soothing about the way that it soundsI wish I could get her to see things the other way round’Cause if she didn't already have a boyfriend then I'm telling herHow much I wanted her, I would've asked her to be mine A few days after the chat in the class, she came to meHer voice trembling, shoulders shaking, she found it hard to speakMy arms were wrapped around her shoulders, telling her it's okayAnd when she stopped panicking, she started to say..."My boyfriend doesn't believe in meHe's saying I'm not everything I can beHe's telling me I'm not slim enough to roll with himHe said he doesn't like my figure, it's irritating himHe said that he's tried time and time again to keep tolerating me...and all my flaws, but he can't keep enduring themHe said that I'm wasteful, said I'm a piece of sh-tHe said that I don't deserve love, I'm an ugly nothing" And by the time she finished talking, I was choking on so many wordsAnd so many tears, I was trying my best not to make them fallAnd before I could muster any courage to talkShe said something that broke me even more"And he's not lying, I am a piece of sh-tAnd I don't deserve someone as good as himI'm an ugly fat nothing, just a waste of spaceI just thought for a moment, that I found some solace...with him, but that was just a lie’Cause who'd ever want to love someone like me" I swear every single word that she saidIt hurt like someone stabbed a knife through my chestI did what I could, told her everything that I thought of herDid everything in my power to reassure herI said, "you're beautiful, you're fineYou're thoughtful, and you're smartYour boyfriend can say whatever he wants, they're all liesAnd his opinion isn't the one that defines who you areAfter all the only one that matters is yoursSo whenever someone tries to make you feel small, remember these words" She thanked me softly, and squeezed my handsTelling me she needed the talk more than she realizedAnd she told me all was fine, and I believed herBut a little while later, I was so surprised...To see her back with him, the same boy who shattered herHe was controlling her like she was a puppet on a stringUsing her as he pleased,And the worst thing was that I couldn't do anything to stop itHe manipulated her, forced her into doing things that she'd never have doneIf she didn't crave love desperately,And every time I tried to help her see the truth, she turned on meShe treated me like I was the villainAnd one day she had enough of it, she confronted meHer voice cold, as she screamed, saying "You don't want me to be happy, you like it when I'm sadYou're just jealous and you know it insideYou think I don't notice when you stare at me with those eyesYou hate that I won't need you as much now that I have someone by my sideYou act like you care about how I feel,But really you're just trying to play the long game with meAnd you think he's bad for me just ’cause you're hurtBut I can see through you, jealousy's making you talk" I was stunned speechless by the time she finished speakingI was so lost I didn't hear her footsteps recedingIt was only a little later, it was apparent that she'd left meAnd when it dawned on me, I felt so angrySo filled with rage, I was already fumingMy chest heaving as I struggled to breatheAnd contain all the spiteful words I was tempted to speakThat was the last time we spoke for a long timeI was done trying to save someone who didn't want to be savedTrying to help someone who clearly wanted to be playedSo I watched from a distance, to see how it all played...Out, because I was done getting involved in her life Lizzy kept giving and giving to her boyfriend, allowing him...Access to parts of her that she'd been taught to keep...Safe, but he was her boyfriend so it was okay as long as it was himSo she didn't really think anything much of itAs she allowed him touch and taste all of herAnd now he's discarded her ’cause he didn't have a use for her And when everything unfolded, she tried to come back to meBut it was my turn to scream"What the hell Lizzy?! What do you think of me?!You think you can take me for granted then come back to meYou think I'm just some tool that you can drop and pick up as you wishYou think I'm just somebody for you to cry on when you're sadAnd when you think you're happy, you don't even care because I'm just someone you could easily discard"I said a lot of other things that I can't remember right nowAll I know was that when I was done talking, she ran away with tears in her eyes Lizzy was torn apart by everythingShe became a hollow shell of her usually cheerful selfIt didn't take much to notice that she was depressedShe kept sinking into this black hole, losing more and more of herselfUsually she'd get better, ’cause I'd be there to helpBut she had no one this time so she killed herselfAnd it hurt me so much when I heard of her death’Cause I could've helped her so much, I hated myselfI shouldn't have chased her away, I should've helped her find herselfAnd so what if she took me for granted, at least she wouldn't be deadAnd Lizzy might've killed herself, but I was just as much at faultI didn't kill her physically, but I killed her with my words I just want to tell all the girls out thereStruggling to love and believe in themselvesYou're special, you're unique, and you should be confidentShut out all the negativity, it's okay to be full of yourselfAt the end of the day, the only opinion that matters is the one you have of yourself.

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