Money No Dey Fix Pipe at 2 A.M. - by Emmanuel Daniji

See ehn, marriage is not debit alert and fine body alone o. If na so, half of us for don win Grammy by now. Picture this one: it’s 2 a.m., rain just fall, and suddenly the kitchen tap decides to turn into Atlantic Ocean. Water dey rush like say James Cameron don cast your house as Aquaman’s new location. Madam dey pace the sitting room like detective wey wan catch ritualist for Netflix documentary. She turn to oga — the man wey dey brag every day say he be “Chief Financial Officer of the House.” My guy just stand for parlour, boxer shorts, one hand dey scratch head, the other hand dey rub belle… and he drop the ultimate line: “Babe, no worry… I go send money in the morning.” IN. THE. MORNING. Sir, this is not GoFundMe o. The water no dey wait for bank to open. Remote control don swim pass like pirate ship. Even the cat don start Olympic practice for backstroke. You no fit just dey throw money around like mafia boss and call it “being a man.” Because when pipe burst for midnight, na spanner we need, not transfer receipt. If you no sabi where water valve dey, bros, kindly log out. We no go wait make you search YouTube: “How to stop flood before marriage scatter – 5 easy tips.” But wait, women too dey do their own. Some babes enter relationship with only beauty subscription. Sis, if na only body you carry enter marriage, you are basically Netflix without Wi-Fi. Fine cover picture, zero content. Because when hunger wire us and fridge empty like government promises, at least boil water for tea na, even if na just to deceive our stomach. And when light take, contour no dey power generator. Nobody dey use eyelashes start I-better-pass-my-neighbour. So house go just turn to National Geographic documentary. Roof dey leak, oga say, “I go send money tomorrow.” Now everybody dey enjoy free indoor shower. Gas finish, madam say, “That one na men’s work.” Next thing, raw rice don become dinner like Survivor challenge. By week two, nature don take over. Ants don form political party for kitchen. Lizards dey hold UN meeting for parlour. Bathroom dey protest independence from the rest of the house. Neighbour sef dey whisper: “Are they renovating?” No Susan, they are just allergic to responsibility. And the quarrel? Blockbuster. Husband shout: “I give you money, what else you want?” Wife reply with sarcasm: “Maybe a husband wey sabi difference between screwdriver and spoon.” Even landlord show face: “Una dey live here or una dey shoot survival series?” Truth be say, man wey only provide money and woman wey only provide looks? That one no be marriage. Na two side characters wey wan run main storyline. Home need balance. Husband fit climb roof, wife dey arrange kitchen. Husband dey rotate car tyre, wife dey rotate bedsheet before e turn cultural relic. Husband mow lawn, wife mop floor. Together dem be Avengers of domestic life. If not? Na just two influencers wey turn their house into “When Humans Abandon Responsibilities.”

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