My Mind Tried to Turn Me Into a Killer

Some people fear monsters. I feared my own mind...From a young age, I’ve always had a serious problem of hallucination. It first started when I was coming back from primary school, was about to cross the road but saw that the vehicle coming over was moving slowly, so I calculated that I would be able to cross before it even arrived at my side. But when I finally reached the road and was about to cross, the vehicle suddenly sped up, the surprise made me trip on the sands and I fell, and then crunch “AHHHHHHHHHHHH”, the vehicle had ridden over my femurs and they shattered, the excruciating pain was killing, I thought I would faint, I couldn’t breath, I was feeling choked and suffocated while the pain kept getting worse. Suddenly, I heard my brothers voice. “Stella!, cross the road, we’re waiting for you!”, they were at the other side of the road, they had crossed some minutes ago while I remained still at the same point, I looked around and saw that the vehicle had long since gone leaving behind the tire marks in the dirt and the faint scent of exhaust smoke, it was all in my head, the pain, the cracks, the suffocation, I couldn’t believe it, was that really all just made up…, but it felt so real. I quickly joined my brother and our friends and we headed home together. But it didn’t stop there, it just kept on happening each time, but it usually only stuck to accidents, I guessed maybe it was the results of the movies I watched, and gradually got used to it so it didn’t matter anymore. I thought it was over, but no, got into university at 18, got used to seeing many things that were not really happening before my eyes, they were weird but always all too real, sometimes I wake up to pain from multiple places, headaches that bang over weeks, and sometimes, I see things falling on me from who knows where, but they all had one thing in common, I was always the target of the afflictions, not anyone else. That’s how I thought it’ll be, I considered going to the hospital multiple times, but couldn’t go alone, and my family wasn’t so understanding, they would probably think I was just thinking negative or playing around, I had to wait for a day when all of us would go together, since we do that sometimes , I just had to wait. So I waited…. Then one evening, while in the kitchen, my mom came in to oversee the work I was doing and so began to wash the leaves we’ll be using to make soup that day. I was already at the sink washing the dishes when she stood by my side, and just like that, it happened, I happened to be washing the kitchen knife at that same moment, and so, a thought just came in, ‘what’ll happen if I was to suddenly use this knife on her neck”, I brought the knife to the back of her neck, but she didn’t react so I concluded that it was another hallucination, and then I stabbed her, I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed, remembering the little moments when she pissed me off at times, I stabbed with eerie glimmers in my eyes, I was ecstatic, and then I stopped, like a blurry cloud cleared from my sight, I saw blood on my hands, was about to scream in fear but saw that my hands were clean and wet, I dropped the knife in horror and looked to my side, my mom was still standing there washing the leaves, she looked at me when she noticed the long stare and raised a brow in questioning. I came to my senses, it wasn’t real, it wasn’t real, it wasn’t real, yes, she’s annoying, but I love her, I love her, it wasn’t real, “its not real, I love her…, it’s… not real. It’s not REAL!!!”, I mistakenly shouted after repeating those words to myself like a mantra, I had to convince myself that it wasn’t real. My mom asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t respond, was too scared to, I couldn’t tell real from fake, I concluded I was sick, and I needed help immediately. Three days after that, my little brother fell sick and so I asked to be carried along while they took him to the hospital, when they stepped out to go get his drugs after seeing the consultant, I quietly told the consultant about my issues and also voiced how I didn’t really want it in my report or known to my family, so she advised me to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but I knew that the opportunity would never arrive, I had to be old enough to go anywhere I wanted without being questioned by anyone before I could do that, so I just gave a smile to the consultant and thanked her, and then left to join my family. Since no one could help with my problem at that moment, I preferred to deal with it myself, so I started hallucinating on my own accord, i imagined it, felt it, lived it, while keeping in mind that it was not real. Sometimes, the real hallucination would slip in once in a while, but most times, I would make myself see things, all so that I wouldn’t wind up hurting someone, for real… But it couldn’t be avoided, I ended up having a quarrel with a course mate. I wanted to settle it with words just like I normally did, but I saw myself punching him instead. It just happened, I didn’t even know when or what had triggered it, it felt like I had gone blank, but I was actually seeing how it all happened, I kept on punching him in the face, feeling ecstasy and adrenaline rushing through my veins, it… was… wonderful……. Later they had to separate me from the boy, he was already unconscious when I came back to my senses. I didn’t even know what to say or how to respond when I was asked, and so had to go on suspension for some time. After that incident, whenever I found myself in the midst of people or conversing with someone and it felt like something was wrong or about to go wrong, I would leave immediately. I kept my distance from people and became known as a lone rider. Two years later, Walking back from getting food at a cafeteria, I was going back to my dorm room when I saw a taxi driving by, and before I could process what was happening, I was already in the middle of the road, and I tripped. I saw the tire rushing towards my face, everything was going in slow motion, I asked myself, “is this real?, how did I get here?. No, it’s probably fake…, but the sensation of the hot food poured onto my hand from the fall felt so real…”, I was being scalded, everywhere felt suffocating, the last thing that came to my was a blank picture and then some writings…. ‘HUH…’ With that, everything went blank…. I sat up from my bed in fright, my roommates were startled from the sudden sit up, I was breathing fast, sweating, crying. They asked if I was okay, if everything was alright, I couldn’t speak, I was still trying to catch my breath, trying to understand everything that was going on, and finally when I did, I didn’t know if I should feel relief, or fear of the unknown. Finally went to see a psychiatrist after that, and gradually began getting treatment. I was getting better, I could tell by myself. I was becoming more open and outspoken, which I wasn’t able to be due to the events and situations I was going through. I stepped out of the building and looked at the sun high in the sky, it was hot and burning. Passing by the sidewalk, I glanced at the road and saw a body, with a pool of blood and food spilled over the hand, people gathered around, I stopped and shut my eyes tight, then just like that, it was all gone when I opened my eyes again. Five years later, I was completely done with the psychiatric visits and was done with college and studies as a whole. Was now married and was about to have a kid. I still sometimes wander back to those days of hallucinating, still don’t know why it happened or what caused it, cause with all the brain scans that were done over these years, nothing was found wrong, it just came, made a wave and just disappeared, but I try to put it behind me , cause I have a whole life ahead of me. Sitting on the couch, I watched the movie my husband had put on, it was about a guy who had the ability to live the lives of alternate universes for a split amount of time, I chuckled, “if only”, I said to myself, then snuggled up to my hubby who sat beside me.

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