Olodo Must Go! - by Ibn Abdullah 🦁

The Big Celeb runs for dear life. The mob is faster. “See him there!” “Him wan try run. Catch am!” They are at his heels. Closer. Closer still. Soon, the man at the head of the rushing mob is close enough for his 2 by 2 to descend on the wailing celeb’s back. He stumbles. He falls. He cries. “Beat am!” “Na him. Na Peller!” “Olodo!” The crowd roars. “Where are the others?” The furious mob seeks more victims for its vicious purge. “Carter Efe! Where are you?” “Egungun! Come out!” “Portable! I know you can hear me!” A woman pushed through the crowd with a placard raised above her head. OLODO MUST GO! “Enough!” she shouted. “This Olodo Uprising must end!” Peller clutched his bruised back. “Why?” he cried, almost comically. “Why ha you pipu beating me? Wetin I do una?” “Because you are an Olodo.” “THAT!” a voice interrupted. “…IS A LIE.” The crowd turned. A group struggled through the sea of bodies, dragging none other than Carter Efe. Portable managed to somehow escape. He always seemed slippery and evasive. Egungun had probably gone in search of a busty young and healthy 21 year old woman to interview. Behind the crowd appeared a strange man draped in a Judge’s robe and powdered wig. Rows of faceless figures stood behind him. Behind him stood another figure, masked. One hand held a scale. The other, a sword. “Who are you?” someone shouted. “I am the Judge.” He gestured to the faceless figures behind him. “The Jury.” The woman pointed at the masked figure. “And him?” “Executioner.” “Executioner? Why?” “For presentation.” The masked man winked. The Judge sighed. “I ask that you unhand those men.” Carter Efe squealed. His face was swollen like fresh puff-puff. “But they’re Olodos,” someone argued. The Judge looked toward Peller. “How many followers does he have?” “A few million.” “And why?” Silence. “Exactly.” The Judge nodded. “Alright! Court is in session!” declared the Judge. “I lied. There is no session to be held. No prosecution and defense statements. Testimonies will be heard from neither claimant nor defendant nor even witness. Only the Judge shall address the congregation.” He slammed his gavel. “I have heard the accusations, and I shall make my judgement. I will begin with a question. Does the so-called Olodo Uprising exist because of the likes of Peller, or do the likes of Peller exist because of this supposed Olodo Uprising? The chicken or the egg?” “Tell me… If stupidity wasn’t profitable… Would anyone invest in it?” “Look at him.” The Judge looked toward Peller. “You mock him, ridicule him, call him Olodo… Then you reward him.” You engage. You like. You follow. You share. You comment. You laugh. Every click is applause. And with increasing applause comes increasing reward. With increasing reward comes increasing resolve. And thus the Olodo becomes perpetual. “So why are you surprised when he gives you exactly what you asked for?” “Here’s what I think. Peller is merely a scapegoat. A poster boy, if you may. The face of Olodohood. But, in all honesty, Peller is simply a manifestation of the collective unconscious of the average Nigerian. The Olodo Uprising wasn’t born in a vacuum. The average Nigerian is an Olodo. Dramatic pause! There’s a reason terms like ‘Dan Boko’ and ‘School na scam’ are so popular. Let me give you a little Hausa lesson. 'Dan Boko', which roughly translates to ‘School Boy,’ is a sort of derogatory term used to label people that are ‘too’ academically inclined. You heard me right. Apparently, there’s such a thing as being too intellectual. Shocker! It’s used to express disdain towards academics because it ‘doesn’t teach you how to make money.’ It echoes similar sentiments as the ‘School na scam’ movement. Now here’s a rhetorical question: if we disregard academics and intellectualism because they are ‘boring’ and ‘lack profit,’ then why should we be surprised when intellectually starved people begin to cast heavy shadows? The proliferation of content the likes of Peller produce is not the disease.It is symptomatic. A symptom of an ailment far more deeply rooted in this insatiable desire for instant gratification. Effortless consumption. There is a saving grace for Nigerians, though, and that is the fact that the Olodo Uprising is not uniquely Nigerian. A relief, isn’t it? At least it isn’t just us. It is global. An epidemic. No. A pandemic. Essentially everywhere. The global internet landscape, not only in Nigeria, is becoming increasingly intellectually desolate. Brainrot. Reactors reacting to content they barely comprehend. Every year, shorter attention spans. Shallower conversations. Stupider content. More unintelligent people. Making unintelligent content. For an unintelligent audience. AI hasn’t made things better, adding more depth through AI slop. We laugh and call it brainrot. But jokes have a funny way of hiding epidemics. The Executioner rested his sword upon his shoulder. Intelligence brings little reward. What is most profitable now is distraction. Reward drives growth. Growth dictates propagation. It’s all about entertainment. We laugh more than we learn. Now, as for value… that is subjective. I cannot come out and dismiss the type of content Peller and his ilk create. Value is determined by viewership. By an audience. The sizable viewer count Peller has garnered tells quite the story, doesn’t it? Take the pornography industry as an analogue. Evident are the evils of the industry. The mental harm. Psychological. Physical. Study after peer-reviewed study. Yet… the industry continues to amass fortunes in the billions. Viewership rises ever more. Is there an Olodo Uprising as Ycee insinuated? Undoubtedly. But… Can you blame them? Nigeria is not very generous with opportunities. If pretending to be a clown will give you a full belly and an even fuller pocket, Many will gladly paint their faces. And if the performance is cheered by millions, Then is the clown at fault for falling in love with the stage? Now I can dive into conspiracy theories about the puppeteering strings of the powers that be controlling content consumption with the intent of making the average person remain in intellectual ineptitude because it makes them easier to brainwash, but… I will not be doing that today. I will not absolve the Nigerian of blame. The likes of Peller, whom we like to criticize and label as Olodos, have risen because we reward their Olodohood. Peller slowly rose to his feet. “So…” Jarvis caressed his swollen face. “Una go beat me again?” No one answered. The scale tilted, and the Executioner lifted his sword. His blade was pointed… Not towards Peller. Nor Carter Efe. But slowly, the tip moved... Towards the audience. “Empires,” the Judge spoke, “are built not by kings, but by subjects. If these men are to be taken as the kings of the New Olodo Empire, it begs the question... Who are the subjects that built this empire? Take that as food for thought. Case dismissed. All rise!”

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