The Sky’s Echo - by Shade

The air knows before I doIt thickens, presses down, holds its breath. The sky dulls to that particular shade of grey that isn’t quite color anymore, just the absence of light. Everything goes still birds quiet, leaves stop their restless turning, even the usual hum of the world seems to pauseWaiting I feel it in my chest first. That tightnessLike my ribcage is too small for everything I’m carryingThe pressure builds behind my eyes, in my throat, in the space between my shoulders. I keep smiling (I always do)I keep nodding, keep saying “I’m fine,” keep moving through the motions of being okay. But the sky knows, The sky is honest about what’s coming That first drop is permission. Do you like the rain? I just do. I keep issues inside me, the clouds heavy with rain casting shadows over the earth. You won’t see my tears fall (I won’t let you), torrents of rain furiously pelting the ground. You’ll never hear my screams (I don’t want you to),thunder booms, reverberating through the air. I won’t ever lash out at you (I try not to), streaks of light flash all around, lightning striking any and everything. The rain gets to be everything I can’tIt gets to rageIt gets to weep openly, violently, without apology. It pounds the pavement, floods the streets, tears leaves from trees, and no one asks it to calm down. No one tells it to think about how its mood affects everyone else. The rain is allowed to be too much. I stand in it sometimes, when no one’s watching. Let it soak through my clothes, run down my face, mix with what I finally let fall. Out here, in the grey wash of the downpour, I can blurI can be indistinct.The rain covers me my shaking shoulders, my gasping breaths, the sounds I only make when I think I’m alone. The thunder speaks for me. Each boom is every word I swallowed, every response I softened, every time I made myself smaller to keep the peace. The lightning illuminates everything for just a flashall the jagged, sharp, dangerous feelings I keep in the dark and then it’s gone againSafeHidden. I’m calm, okay? Really I am (I end up overlooking it, I love you that much). The cool air of the night, overwhelming stress and relaxingThe rain understandsIt doesn’t ask me to explain or justifyIt doesn’t need me to make senseIt just fallsand for a little while, I get to fall too. Then it stopsThe silence after rain is its own kind of violenceEverything drips leaves, gutters, the edge of roofslike the world is still crying but quietly nowpolitely. The storm has passed.The air smells clean, renewed, like something was washed away. But I’m still hereStill carrying it allThe rain was just visiting, a temporary witness to what I keep locked inside. It expressed everything I feel, gave voice to the chaos, the grief, the rage, the exhaustionAnd then it left. I dry off, I go inside,I put the smile back on (it fits easier when it’s been off for a while)The sky clears, goes blue and innocent like it was never grey at all Like there was never a storm.And when you ask how I am, I’ll say fine, because the rain took my truth with it when it went. Yeah, I kinda like the rainNothing shows my emotions like it does It reflects what’s inside me, gives it shape and sound and permission to exist for a moment. But when it’s gone, I’m still here with all of it. The next storm will come it always does and I’ll feel that same relief, that same brief freedomAnd then it will leave again. Maybe loving the rain is just another way of holding everything in. Another beautiful excuse to feel it all in private, in code, in metaphor. The rain keeps my secrets, It expresses everything and reveals nothing. I stand at the window now, watching the last drops fall from the edges of things, and I wonderwhat would it be like to be the rain instead of just waiting for it? To let the storm out when it needs to come, not just when the sky gives me permission? To trust that the people I love could weather me the way I weather these temporary downpours knowing that storms pass, but honesty doesn’t have to? But that’s a different kind of braveryOne I’m not sure I have yet. So for now, I’ll keep watching the skies. Keep feeling that pressure buildKeep waiting for the next storm to come and briefly, beautifullysay everything I won’t.

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