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10
What is left for me??
<p>I went back home, cried my eyes out on my pillow till they look like they were about to pop out. I had panic attacks I couldn't explain what I was feeling to anyone, I held on my chest cause I felt it leaving my body. I moved around like I was fine and happy. I did what every other person does to remain happy but I was still depressed. </p><p> </p><p><span style="background-color: transparent;">I smile and laugh around people till am back in the four corners of my room again, staring at my phone hoping I could receive his call again, I tried calling his number even when I knew he was dead until my mind took me back to when his corpse was placed right in front of me. A tear dropped in my eye as I clenched my fist to question God why now?, why me?, is this the life you want me to struggle and fight for?..</span></p><p><br/></p><p>I had to go back to my normal life, read for exams, work so I can make a living, send back funds to my siblings, attend classes when my brain is malfunctioning, work more even when my body is tired.</p><p><br/></p><p>My brain went numb all the time trying to process what I am doing but I just end up going back to God to beg him to help me, he came through for me even though I felt like every meat and bone in my body was nitpicked.</p><p><br/></p><p>I'd cry days it became so hard I can't get anyone to help. I had no one to talk to, I had people but my mind had no one, I had friends but it felt like i had no one, and finally I opened up to somebody and he has always being that friend I needed, I talked about it and he told me to keep pushing, it's gonna be fine.</p><p><br/></p><p>I woke up the second day told myself I am alive for a reason, I need to make things work, I got through the first stage of grieve and work more harder.</p><p><br/></p><p>I had to go back home to listen to my mum cry all the time, I needed to be strong for me, my mum and my siblings, I became a rock that had little feelings to hold unto.</p><p><br/></p><p>I faked all my emotions to get rid of my anonymous pain. </p>
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5
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