Yours in the Empty - by Esther Lawrence

Losing a father is one thing,Losing a best friend is another. Losing the "head" is one thing,Losing the "heart" is another. Losing a voice is one thing,Forcing yourself to live with it, is another. Lol, let's pretend it's still 2022And all I'm worried about is JAMB and WAECLet's pretend it never happened,And I'm still that vibrant girl who came home to a warm house Except that, this time...I didn't come back to a house, at all The words fail me,I don't think I'm healed enough to keep writing this.But I'll try.. I didn't come back to a house, at allAll preparations for exams that will decide my future,We made ..From a hospital bed.His... hospital bed... ................. You know, I still can't believe it. I struggle still, to admit it. My heart, it's full and still empty. Sometimes I just sit and wonder:"Could it have been any different? Could it have been any better, if I had been there till the very end?If I could've just been thereTo look down at your smiley face, as your body turned ice cold?" Three years,Three whole years...Years that felt like blessings, only slightly cursed...I lived each day, trying to convince myself And everyone else around me,That I was okay.Three years of seeing a whole different side to you,That I had never known.The part of you that's vulnerable.The part of you that asked to lay on my lap,And hear me utter even the most nonsense of things. I miss you. Oh, I really do. I can't tell one apart from the other, Cos I miss every bit of you. Good days, bad days, silent days, Even the busy days I hated so much Now, every stress feels easy. It's in my head that it's just another distraction from this crazy reality. And time and again, I'm stuck in a cycle- One where I know my mood is bound to change as seasons change.Would it have been easier if that wasn't our last conversation? Would it have been better...If it never happened at all? This would've mattered if thinking Was the only price to pay to have you back. I try not to remember the little things or grand gesturesYour view behind the steering wheel, Your iconic dance during long travels, Your voice when you pray, sing, counsel and speak. I try to forget you (even the littlest bit to make it easier), But I don't think I ever can. I'd always remember you weren't there to see me leave my teenage years. I'd remember on every birthday, I'd remember when I've found a man who'd make me as happy as you did, I'd remember you with every celebration, I'd remember you every time I look into the mirror, Every time I relate with those you've left behind. "Not all heroes wear capes"You showed me that, with every breath ------ In this lifetime ...In a hundred lifetimes... A thousand words, A million speeches, A billion tears,Will never be enough To tell you just how much I truly love you. They say you're gone from Earth now, But I will never forget,And truly, I could've never been ready For the day the shock of your passing hit.

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