...Help me? - by Oluwabusolami Balogun

I dont have what it takes to live, it requires far more than I can give. The fight, doggedness, perseverance and ability to stay.I try, I genuinely try with all my strength but I just cant do it. To live is to blossom, show up, be dilligent in becoming.This might be the spirit of depression but I cant even fight, take authority and walk in freedom. I'm down and cant seem to have the capacity to come back up.I cant pray, I know I should, for myself and those around me but I’m so weak, my fire has gone out. I’m in need of rejuvenation, where's the scent of water?Will I ever stand up again? Will I ever have strength to live? Will I ever love life?To settle for existing is contrary to the will of God but living is beyond me, I dont have the strength. To work, to maintain, to not be oppressed.Life is all to do's but I’m tired of doing and its wrong to let life just happen to me, to que sera sera. Maybe I'm lazy, the spirit of slothfulness perhaps? Whats the problem with work? With fighting and doing?Is the problem work or just the constant fight for survival that the concept of work seems to be about?If you dont fight, you'll die. The enemy will make a mess of you -work!If you dont fight, you’ll have horrible scores. Your CGPA will be disgraceful -work!If you dont fight, you’ll fall in your relationship. Sexual sin will plague your being -work!If you dont fight, your friends and family will suffer. They just might never see the light -work!If you dont fight, your children will become corrupted. Indoctrinated in worldly ideologies -work!If you dont build your career, no generational wealth for you. How do you plan to earn money? -work!If you dont show up in your relationship with God, you’ll wither and die. Knowing Him is continous -work!Its all work, your feelings might catch up but if they never do, well you just have to keep showing up till you die or you’ll never live a quality/ fulfilling life. Do you see how frustrating this is? I’m grateful for the things I have but Im so tired of the responsibility and stewardship that comes with it, to have abundance is to be greatly trusted by God -its not all fun and games, its work.I fear I’m failing badly, infact I fear I’ll fail even worse because I just cant push through, I barely survive everything and I’m tired of struggling. I want ease, I am tired of being a warrior. I want things to come easy for me, I want the good things of life without buts.Giving near success syndrome, I should pray against it but I cant and I find myself desiring death that I can't even fully wish for, I am bound to earth by desires. But oh, how easy death is. I cant even think of death because I feel like I’m betraying the nations that are waiting and the people that are hungry.Like I’m betraying all my friends, family and my boyfriend -sweet man btw!

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