Their Eyes Before Mine - by Regina Moon

“Why can't I think of anything to write?” Three years ago, I never really had to stare at an empty piece of paper feeling stupid. In fact, feeling stupid would normally be a cue to just start writing.About anything really. And I was lucky to be in an environment that let me live more in my head than anywhere else. I wasn't accepted, I didn't fight to be, and I lived indoors. It was quiet, a bit depressing at times, but at least it made my only outlet more useful.The outlet? My head…I had a one man audience.I’d like to say I am still the same now. That's if I'm lying to myself really, because I know there are more outlets for me now than there were then. If anything, I care less about getting accepted on their terms,and like the idea of living the life I imagine inside my head on the outside too. Not for likes or for visibility. But because”The world is a free place”. Or rather, it's a free country.Of course, using this freedom wisely as it will honestly benefit me rather than serve as a disadvantage.And that's what made me think of writing. I don't even think myself talented. Deep. Engaging enough. I just knew I wanted to write and be immersed in the thoughts as they’d usually come… it should be my only space for that.But it broke. The dam wall broke. And now, my “expression” is moving everywhere. Good and bad things actually.For starters, I'm living my life. I am being authentic and approachable. I seem less like a wall and more like a crappy teddy bear. Warm and cuddly on the chatting platform and cold and heavy physically because I haven't quite practiced using my voice to express myself yet.But that's not the bad thing.The bad thing is where I could have thoughts, emotions flowing and gushing into places where they aren't respected, or worse misunderstood. Even in spaces they are welcome, I look into my new audience for their validation. If they don't give it directly, something will indirectly.The silence. The metrics. The refresh button on my web browser that seems to be tired of me already. I wouldn't blame him, I've summoned him 21 times within ten minutes of posting.And they are all saying one thing: “We don't get it”.Now, it really doesn't matter what kind of reaction is given. Social media turns almost everything into information. A positive comment, a negative one, even an empty response can tell you something about what people saw, what they liked, what they didn't, and what you might need to change next.They are all giving information that could influence my next step. The next insight even. I think my brain can’t keep up with the predictions. Because that's what they are: predictions. I can only infer what would make good content, what people might want to see, what might get a reaction. When it's just your head, the only audience is you, and as far as you feel it or imagine it, it's already validated.But with people? I don't know… maybe it's just for me but it's hard. And that's not to say I regret writing publicly. No, it's an amazing experience. I get to live outside my head and be with a community that could see what I see. There's nothing quite as fulfilling as that.But the problem is looking at your writing, your expression, your work, from the eyes of another person aside from yourself.It's exhausting. I want to write, but I also don't want to write. Too much to consider. And so writing feels less of a hobby and more of a job. Something you have to do regardless.It's crazier for content creators, I imagine. Posting on digital platforms that require constant engagement to remain relevant. To stay relevant, you have to keep updating almost as fast as your metrics.Can anyone evolve that fast? As fast as a YouTube algorithm for example?Exactly the point…I don't know… I don't like the idea of writing that way. I built my identity in writing from an audience of one. Now, I've abandoned her in search of validation from…where? An unpredictable sum of I don't know…the entire world?And so… I guess my brain got overwhelmed. We just haven't reached that place yet.Every once in a while…we all reach this point where we wonder how things start feeling less enjoyable and more suffocating when you think of them.It's not always necessarily because of the work itself. Sometimes it's about the eyes that now see it.But it's not like we can totally avoid the need to please others, right? Generally speaking, people who understand what others want and give it to them may make more progress toward what gets accepted than people who create purely according to their own taste.The question isn't whether you should stop caring what others think. It's genuinely asking, “Why do I think of their eyes before mine?”I think I decided that I have to write for the audience and reason I always wrote for. Not to sound deep, but to genuinely speak out to the only person who I felt could relate with me. Wanna guess who?Myself🤭…It would be a beautiful thing to share what my thought processes are. People could see it and understand, others might not. And both outcomes are still okay.It's not about not caring, it's more about being aware of when you are drifting. Stopping yourself from putting the blame on your identity rather than on what is really responsible; your desire to get a reaction from people to validate what you do. What you feel. What you see.And this is more than simply about writing things. You can trace this trend to anything that involves putting something of yourself into the world and having other people respond to it. Your job. Your career ambitions. Even the way you begin to understand what it means to be a responsible adult.Yeah, some people’s jobs directly involve looking at what people want to see outrightly. It's not about ignoring it, it's about having two eyes. One for yourself, because they deserve to still have a say in all of this. Not in a defensive way, but in that self fulfilling way.And the other eye, to stay open-minded enough to consider others' views, opinions, whatever they may be, as expressed through comments, suggestions, reactions… And adjust where you see necessary.After all, you never really know it all…Just add yourself to that list.It'll make it more sustainable, enjoyable. And you’d be less pressured into doing things that won't benefit you in the long run....Eye check up, anyone?

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