TOLUWANI - by Ara Bambi

You had liked him.As a matter of fact a lot but he had problems and he fucked it up.You didn’t get to know that much about him so you could only access him from your perspective.He was the kind that was brought up in that conformed morally right way. That morally right side a lot of people stuck to so they could paint the other side as wrong.He stuck to certain beliefs not because he truly believed.But because that was what he was brought up to believe and he was scared to have it otherwise.So he avoided talking about it.He was the kind that believed in the laid down way people were expected to be.His replies to questions were because “that’s just how it is”.“That’s how it’s supposed to be”.Or simply the fact that he was a man.Like that made it any easier.Funny how men believed the world should revolve round them simply because they were men.He intrigued you.How could someone be like this.What happened?What was his story?He often called you a liar.But you didn’t understand why you would lie about stupid silly things.Like your age or the fact that you hadn’t had sex before.You once asked him if he believed in God and he questioned why you were asking.You told him the question popped into your head and you just wanted to know if he did.It was for an Idea you wanted to write about.He said he did.That wasn’t answer enough .So you asked again. If he believed in God.He said he did.So you asked why? If he believed because he did or because he was brought up to.He didn’t reply.He only said he believed and asked if you did too.You told him you believed in God.But you wanted to know his reason.Why and how did he willing believe in a concept where he spoke to a man he’d never seen with his own two eyes.He didn’t want to reply so you kept on pestering him until he gave in.He told you he did but he had his doubts.You asked what they were and he didn’t reply.He said he would rather talk physically than over the phone.So you told him ok.And you had looked forward to talking to him about it. Fast forward.You both fought because of an apology. You knew you were right, and he knew it too.But instead of admitting he was wrong.He called you childish, immature and said you always liked proving you were right.He then brought back an old situation where he claimed you were wrong and asked you to apologize for it first.If you wanted an apology you should apologize to him too.Just to show you how petty he could be.Looking back, you think it had less to do with the argument and more to do with his ego.Maybe admitting that you were right felt like losing to him.It was almost as if he admitting he was wrong would somehow make him less of a man.And as the man he supposedly claimed he was his ego couldn't take that.The fight ended the friendship.You sometimes wished you didn’t argue with him that night.You should have just accepted he was right and apologized.But he wasn’t right.Instead he was being insensitive to your feelings.And you weren’t going to accept that.Looking back, he’s probably one of the most insensitive people you’d ever met.Apart from your dad of course.There was a lot you wanted to ask and know about him but you couldn’t now.But it’s fine.Que sera sera.You still don’t understand hookup culture.When you first met you went to visit him the next day at home.You already knew what he wanted.But you went anyways.You asked him why he invited you over just to have sex with you and he had replied because he was a guy.“Typical boys right” that was a stupid reason and you had told him.You barely knew him.And he barely knew you.He knew just your name.Your face.And a few details strangers knew before they stopped being strangers.What if you had a disease?What if you were a witch?What if you were a serial killer?He didn’t care to know your thoughts.He just wanted your body.It was strange when you thought about it.How could someone believe they were close enough to sleep with you before they were even close enough to know you.He didn’t know your thoughts.Your dreams.Your fears.What kept you up at night.So you told him to convince you of why you should have sex with him. If he was able you’d do it.If he was not you wouldn’t.His reason because he wanted to.So you asked if that was all.What happened after.He said you could become good friends.Close friends. And for you that simply wasn’t reason enough.So he asked why you came.You were lost and you didn’t know what to say.How could you explain that you came because you wanted to.Because you liked him.And there was this unexplained possibility that maybe something could come out of it.The truth you didn’t know why.Why did you come sef?A question you would think about for a very long time.

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