WHEN HOME HURTS THE MOST

I used to think every home was like mineI thought it was normal to cry yourself to sleep because of words your own mother said.I thought it was normal to think every little thing u do will create problems.I thought it was normal to feel like you were walking on broken glass in your own house.I thought it was normal to be compared to other children Then I grew up and realized it this was not normal.This is not love. This is toxicity. A toxic parent doesn't always beat you. Sometimes the wounds don't have scarsIt's the dad who always compares you with others."Your mates scored over 300 in jamb"It's the mum who tells all your business to neighbors"They should also know"It's hearing "After all I've done for you" when u try to have an opinionIt's hearing "I carried you for nine months " when u try to have a say in your life.Like I could forget... One thing about toxic parents is that u still love themThey're still the same people who fed you, paid your school fees, prayed for uU try to give them the benefit of doubt that maybe that's how they were raised So u feel guilty for being angry You feel guilty for wanting space.You feel guilty for almost talking back Slowly you start to believe that maybe u are the problemMaybe you are just being too sensitiveMaybe you don't deserve softness Slowly you become a people pleaserYou say 'sorry' when u did nothing wrongYou learn to hideIt feels like you are living with landlords in your own home You grow up and become two people The one that always smiles outside like everything is alright.And the one that's always scaredScared of making mistakesScared of being comparedScared of being outlisted I've heard of people who became perfect students just to hear weldone Being a parent doesn't give you the right to destroy a child's mindIt doesn't give you the right to cry to guilt trip your child The funniest thing is that they don't even know what they are doingHow it affects usHow it crushes our self-esteemSometimes we classify it as African ParentingBut it's notIt's not discipline eitherHurting a child in the name of love is still hurting Toxic doesn't have to mean forever.You heal,Find your people, Friends who feel like familyGodYou re-parent yourselfTell yourself the words you never heard."I'm proud of you""You're not a mistake". I'm not writing this because I hate my parents I love them regardlessBut I'm writing this because there's someone somewhere who thinks they are alone.You are not a burdenYou are not too muchHome should be where u rest,Not where you fight to survive. If your home doesn't feel safe right now, Hold onYou will growYou will leaveAnd you will build the kind of home where children are not afraid to laugh loudlyBecause the cycle can end with you

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