CHAOS - by Stacy📚🌹

CHAOSWhen scrambled thoughts, hurt feelings, and pain bring about chaos in our souls, this is a heart-wrenching spoken word short story I wrote that gives a brief breakdown of the inner chaos people( including myself) feel but can’t express, and the struggle to gain inner peace as our inner souls has given up a long time ago but we can fight. CHAOSYou may not know my name and that is fine by me because my name doesn't matter in this context. Besides, I’m just one person among many, just one tiny speckle of dirt.I mean, why do my thoughts interest you enough for you to read them? I’m definitely not that important. I am just like the average person you pass by every day, but you don’t know their life or story and you practically don’t care. That person that you walk by is a spirit to you.You don’t know him/her.You don’t go to school with him/her.You don’t even work with him/her.That person is just a faded background a human like yourself that walks past you. And to that person, you are the faded background.Why should I care that I’m not seen? It is true that you may not know me and never will, but you will know the weight I carry within me. Or at least you will hear my scrambled thoughts and pureed feelings that crush me and leave me broken. Or am I already broken?Who knows? Maybe you will.You will never know what it feels like to be me.How would you?You don’t know who I am.Who are you exactly?Are you a teenager, adult, or parent?Are you the one who constantly judges me when you don’t know me?I don’t know who you are, and yet you are curious about who I am instead of the message I am trying to pass.I don’t know how to express my feelings, and so I find you a worthy opponent to listen to my crowded thoughts that don’t seem to get silent.Are you that neighbour that stares at me?Are you that teacher that thinks I’m bold, smart, and intelligent or quite the opposite: shy, quiet, and scared?Then she asks me a question and expects an answer while my mind rattles between the shock of being asked and the constant thoughts of fear.Why do I care about your feelings?Why do I care about what you think of me?Are you worthy to be in my thoughts?Questions upon questions.WON’T YOU ANSWER ME?You won’t answer me.Why would you?I am just not good-looking enough,Or pretty enough,Or smart enough,Or curvy enough,Or skinny enough,Or chubby enough.I am sorry. You are no worthy opponent to listen to me.I am too broken.I am long gone.I can’t be saved.Have you been in my thoughts? My mind is a chaos.They say listen to your heart.My heart thinks of negativity.They say giving brings about happiness.Yet I’ve given my soul to you, and still I’m not happy.Oh, you must think I am writing a poem, expressing my feelingsIn a sea of words,In a strum of stars,Not making sense.You don’t know me.Am I male or female?Or have you concluded that I am a woman, that a man can’t feel pain?If I’m a man, so be it.If I’m a woman, so be it.As I said earlier,My name is not important in this context.Years I’ve spent having feelings I can’t express.Are you that person who’s reading this hoping you're not the only one in this world that has feelings like mine?Then I might like you.Have you seen my rambled thoughts?They are noise pollution a noise only I can hear.It has side effects:Heart racing, palm sweating, stuttering, making a complete fool out of myself—and then you laugh.The heart-wrenching laughter of people that are supposed to be my friends—and then I join them.As my thoughts tell me:Yes, laugh at your stupidity.Yes, laugh at your inability to make a complete statement.And then another mentions the answer—something I would have said.And then I fight for peace.Fight for freedom.I don’t want to be in shackles anymore.I want to soar like a bird.You must think I’m complaining qThat’s why I bore you with my feelings,That’s why I vent my frustrations.I don’t want pity. I want you to know how I feel.I don’t want awkwardness. I want acceptance.I don’t want pain. I want joy.I’m running out of reasons.I’m drifting further into an oblivion I can’t escape.I want to be heard.I want to be applauded.Is that too much to ask?Are my problems burdens?If so, then I am a burden.Why burden everyone with me?Is silence the answer?Is loneliness the answer?Is self-harm the answer?If they aren't the answer, then what is?WHY WON’T YOU JUST TELL ME?My soul has given up.I’m tired.My heart has given up.I’m tired.The chaos is too heavy.The chaos is too loud.The chaos is too painful.Are you still reading?Do you want me to give up?Are you just here to laugh?If so, then leave. Don’t make me an acquaintance.Are you on the verge of crying?Don’t.Stay strong while I’m weak.I want to fight.This chaos can’t defeat me.I’ll join you in your effort to be strongEven if I’m weak for years.My inner turmoil.You the one who is normal.You the one reading this for clarity.You reading this because you’re like me.All this chaos was just my thoughts scattered when I had just one experience. What of those who have had this inner chaos their entire lives?What of those not strong?What of those who stare at you for hours and yet you don’t see the pain?I will fight for peace.I will fight for silence.I will fight for joy.I will fight for love.My name is not important.My age is not important.It doesn’t make a difference.It doesn’t change a thing.Yet your name is important.YesIt is.Only you can fight.You are strong. Don’t get tired.Inner chaos will turn to inner peace.ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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