Score |
186
Dear Diary
<p><span style="background-color: transparent;">Dear diary,</span></p><p>I lied again today.</p><p>Told them I was fine</p><p>the way you tell a wound</p><p>to stop bleeding</p><p>just by asking nicely.</p><p><br/></p><p>You're the only one I don't perform for.</p><p>Everyone else gets the edited version of me</p><p><span style="background-color: transparent;">w</span><span style="background-color: transparent;">ith the good lighting,</span></p><p>the version that laughs on cue,</p><p>that always says "I'm managing"</p><p>like managing was ever</p><p>the same thing as living.</p><p><br/></p><p>But you.</p><p>You get the raw footage.</p><p>The 2 a.m. footage n<span style="background-color: transparent;">obody was supposed to see,</span></p><p>where I sit on the floor of my own life</p><p>and finally stop holding my face still.</p><p><br/></p><p>I don't know when I started</p><p>performing wellness</p><p>like it was a job I couldn't quit.</p><p>Somewhere between</p><p>"how are you"</p><p>and the fear of what happens</p><p>if I actually answer.</p><p><br/></p><p>People don't want the truth.</p><p>They want the truth's cousin </p><p>that which it's easier to swallow,</p><p>the one that doesn't require</p><p>they sit with you in it.</p><p><br/></p><p>So I give them the cousin.</p><p>And I give you the truth.</p><p><br/></p><p>Today the truth is:</p><p>I'm tired of being the strong one.</p><p>I'm tired of being someone's proof</p><p>that things turn out okay,</p><p>when some days</p><p>I'm not okay,</p><p>I'm just quiet about it,</p><p>and everyone confused</p><p>my silence for peace.</p><p><br/></p><p>Diary, you never confuse the two.</p><p>You've read every page</p><p>where I wrote "I'm fine"</p><p>right before three paragraphs</p><p>proving I wasn't.</p><p><br/></p><p>You know things about me</p><p>my own mother doesn't </p><p>not because I don't trust her,</p><p>but because some griefs</p><p>are too heavy to hand to someone</p><p>who'll carry them home with them and <span style="background-color: transparent;">lie awake</span></p><p>worrying about my worry.</p><p><br/></p><p>You don't do that.</p><p>You just hold it.</p><p>Flat, patient, unbothered,</p><p>the way paper holds ink </p><p>without judgment,</p><p>without flinching,</p><p>without needing me</p><p>to be anything</p><p>other than exactly</p><p>what I am on any given page.</p><p><br/></p><p>I think that's why I keep coming back to you.</p><p>Not because you fix anything.</p><p>You've never fixed a single thing.</p><p>But you let me stop pretending</p><p>long enough to remember</p><p>what my own voice sounds like</p><p>when it isn't adjusting itself</p><p>for someone else's comfort.</p><p><br/></p><p>So dear diary...</p><p>thank you</p><p>for being the one place</p><p>I don't have to win an argument</p><p>just to be believed,</p><p>the one place</p><p>grief doesn't need a translator,</p><p>the one place</p><p>I get to be unfinished</p><p>without anyone rushing me</p><p>toward the ending.</p><p><br/></p><p>Tomorrow</p><p>I'll put the mask back on.</p><p>I always do.</p><p><br/></p><p>But tonight,</p><p>just for these few lines,</p><p>I let my face</p><p>be exactly</p><p>what it actually is.</p><p><br/></p><p>And somehow,</p><p>that's the only hour</p><p>I feel like myself.</p>
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