I TRIED TO IMPRESS A GIRL... NOW MY FACE IS FAMOUS AT THE POLICE STATION.

<h1 data-pm-slice="1 1 []"> </h1>There are three things a man should never do in Lagos.Never argue with a conductor.Never trust "I'll pay you back tomorrow."And under no circumstance should you try to impress a beautiful girl with money you don't have.I learnt all three lessons in one afternoon.It all started when I met Amanda.The kind of fine girl that can make a grown man forget his ATM PIN.She smiled at me once...Just once.My ancestors should have warned me, but they were busy watching the disaster like it was a cinema movie.We chatted for a few days.Everything was going well until she sent one innocent-looking message.<blockquote>"Let's go out this weekend."</blockquote>Simple.Short.Harmless.That message nearly ended my bloodline.I checked my account immediately.₦2,315.47.I checked again.Same amount.I even refreshed the banking app like the bank would suddenly remember they forgot to credit me.Nothing changed.Instead of accepting defeat like a responsible citizen, I called my best friend."Bros... I need urgent help."He laughed before I even explained."Who be the girl?""How you know?""You only call me urgently when love wants to destroy your destiny."Within two hours I had assembled what I proudly called my "millionaire starter pack."One designer shirt from my cousin.A wristwatch borrowed from my roommate.Shoes from another friend.Perfume from my neighbour.Even the confidence I wore that day belonged to somebody else.When I looked in the mirror, even I wanted to ask myself for financial advice.Amanda arrived twenty minutes later.She looked beautiful.Very beautiful.The kind of beautiful that makes your account balance develop high blood pressure.We entered one fancy restaurant.The AC alone looked expensive.The chairs looked richer than me.Even the waiters were walking as if they owned shares in the company.One waiter handed me the menu.I opened it with confidence.After reading the first page...I quietly closed it again.Was this menu or house rent agreement?One bottle of water cost more than the food I had eaten throughout secondary school.Amanda smiled."What are you ordering?"I cleared my throat."Let's not rush. Good food requires deep thinking."The truth was simple.I was calculating which organ in my body I could survive without selling.The waiter returned."Sir, are you ready?"I smiled."Bring your best rice."He nodded."And drinks?"I looked at Amanda.She was already smiling."Two.""And dessert?"At that point I didn't even know what dessert meant.But saying "No" in front of Amanda felt like a crime."So... bring that one too."The waiter left.I looked strong outside.Inside, my soul had already submitted a resignation letter.Food started arriving.Rice.Chicken.Fish.Drinks.Ice cream.Something that looked expensive simply because it had green leaves on top.Amanda was enjoying herself.Me?I was eating slowly so the meal would last longer than my account balance.Halfway through the date she said,"I like generous men."I almost choked on my chicken.Generous?Madam, if generosity was measured by intention, I'd be a billionaire.Then the bill arrived.The waiter placed it on the table with both hands.The respect alone scared me.I opened it.My vision became blurry.I checked the amount again.Maybe I had accidentally read the restaurant's monthly electricity bill.No.It was our food.Amanda looked at me."You okay?"I forced a smile that deserved an acting award."Yes... just admiring their mathematics."I quietly opened my banking app.Balance...Still ₦2,315.47.At that moment I began negotiating with God."Father, if You can turn water into wine... this is another opportunity to showcase Your power."Nothing happened.I excused myself."I'll just make one quick phone call."Amanda nodded.I walked outside as calmly as possible.Once I reached the gate...I increased my speed.Not running.Just... aggressively walking.Before I could reach the road...Two security men appeared from nowhere.One blocked my front.The other blocked my back.One smiled."Sir... where are we going?"I laughed nervously."Phone call."He nodded."Wonderful.""Make the call here."The second guard folded his arms."We've seen this movie before."At that moment I knew my village people had subscribed to premium entertainment.The restaurant manager came outside.He wasn't angry.Which somehow made everything worse."My brother..."I nearly cried."I'll pay next month."He laughed."Next month?"Even the security men laughed.One waiter laughed so hard he had to hold the wall.Amanda finally came outside.The moment she understood what was happening...She started laughing.Not ordinary laughter.The kind that makes someone remove their glasses because tears are coming out.She said,"So... Mr. Financial Adviser..."I wanted the ground to open.Instead, one police patrol vehicle happened to stop in front of the restaurant.One officer stepped down."What happened here?"Before I could explain, one excited waiter shouted,"Officer! Na this guy wan use romance escape bill!"The officer looked at me.Then looked at Amanda.Then back at me."So because of woman, you wan become wanted person?"Even the police officer started laughing.My picture was taken for their incident record.One officer joked,"If you become famous tomorrow, we'll tell people we knew you before success."In the end, my cousin had to rush down with money to settle the bill.As we were leaving, Amanda walked up to me.I expected the worst.Instead she smiled."You know what?"I sighed."What?""You would have impressed me more if you had simply said, 'Let's buy shawarma within my budget.'"I stood there in complete silence.After all that suffering....The solution was shawarma.Till today, whenever I pass that restaurant, one security man still waves at me.Not because we're friends...But because legends are never forgotten.Lesson of the day: Never let your mouth spend money your bank account has never heard of. In Lagos, pride is expensive—but embarrassment is absolutely free.

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