Letter from the dirt - by Tari Elise

My love, The battle draws close. Closer than ever. I regret leaving without a proper goodbye . But then again, is there really a proper goodbye? If you’re reading this, it means I couldn’t say it to your face. And I’m sorry for that. Do not fret when u realize the letter u hold was scribbled with blood. My blood.In my haste to write this I couldn't find the inkSo I had to make do with what I had. My blood would be spilled anyways.I’m writing this from the dirt. It’s 2am here. The sky is loud and the ground is shaking, but somehow my hands are steady enough to hold this pen. Because it’s you. It always comes back to you. I need you to know I wasn’t afraid of dying. I was afraid of dying without telling you one more time: you were my home. Not the house . Not the bed we shared. You. Your laugh when I burn the plantain. The way you scold me for forgetting to pray. The way you hold my shirt collar when I’m about to leave, like you already know. There are things I didn’t say because I thought we had time. Thank you for carrying us when I was gone. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Thank you for making our small room feel like a palace, even when we had "slim freedom" and "not much fund". You made it rich. What I would give to see ur face one last time.To hear your laughter float around the room, to hold you and never be separated again, to watch the sunset in your beautiful eyes, to see u swell with the beauty of pregnancy. If I don’t make it back, don’t you dare live for me. Live. Laugh loud. Remarry if your heart tells you to. Name our child after something bright, not after my ghost. Don’t let grief cage you. You caged my fears for years, now let yourself be free. I’m not a hero. I was just a man who loved you, and tried to do a hard job so other husbands could come home too. Some days I was angry. Some days I was tired. But I never, not one day, stopped loving you. When you miss me, don’t go to the grave. Go to the kitchen and cook that Jollof I always said was too spicy. Play our song. Tell our people stories about me that make them smile, not cry. And if you ever feel alone at night, look up. I’m in the stars now. Same stars we used to argue under. I’ll be the brightest, most stubborn one. I have to go now. They’re calling. Keep me in your prayers, but don’t keep me in your pain. All my love, always, Your soldier. Your husband.

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