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172
MIDNIGHT CONVERSATIONS: A HOME AND A HOUSE
<p>Some days I just sit on the edge of my bed, thinking about how life would have been if I didn’t exist. </p><p>Just reminiscing past events and imagining if I wasn’t there in the scene. </p><p>Flipping through the scripts just to see if my role could be replaced or even erased.</p><p></p><p>I can’t help but think like this nowadays. </p><p>Feeling anxious all of a sudden, my mind’s not at ease. </p><p>My heart keeps racing like it’s on a track; it’s not at peace. </p><p>Can’t stop until I get to the finish line; maybe that’s where my peace is. </p><p>Feels like there’s a missing piece I can’t seem to find.</p><p></p><p>What if the finish line is not where the journey ends? </p><p>What if the journey is the destination? </p><p>And now the world’s looking at me like, “What the hell is Bellamine saying?”</p><p> “Oh, he’s at it again.”</p><p> “Don’t you ever rest?”</p><p> “Doesn’t it ever end?”</p><p></p><p>I guess it never ends. </p><p>I mean, life wasn’t supposed to be a smooth, straight and steady road. </p><p>It comes with a lot of curves and bends. </p><p>Maybe this is me swerving through these curves and bends. </p><p>And if you have a hand or two to lend, </p><p>I’d really appreciate the help.</p><p></p><p>I think I need a friend, maybe a couple of them. The more the merrier, right? </p><p>I don’t really care if they’re fake or they’re real friends. </p><p>I just need to distract myself from these thoughts in my head </p><p>before it explodes or implodes.</p><p></p><p>I could use a pat on the back or a red rose. </p><p>I thought it was cool when I pushed everyone away; now I’m all frozen. </p><p>Do you think I was wrong for pushing everyone away? </p><p>Do you…? </p><p>You weren’t even listening. </p><p>So, I’ve been speaking to myself all this while? How convenient.</p><p></p><p>This is why I push everyone away. </p><p>It’s like they are there but not really there. </p><p>Like they can hear me but aren’t listening. </p><p>It’s like they are with me, but aren’t there with me.</p><p></p><p>How do I explain this? </p><p>It’s like having a house and a home. </p><p>A home is practically a family; it’s welcoming and warm. </p><p>While the house is… uh, </p><p>What’s the word for it again? </p><p>Yeah, cold. </p><p>You could almost hear your own breath echo. </p><p>And that’s what staying around them feels like: a house, not a home.</p>
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