I Haven't Left God. I Just Have Questions. - by Whispers Of A Wandering Mind

Last year, around February 2025, I became intentional about my spiritual growth. I wasn't just calling myself a Christian, I was trying to live like one. I attended church regularly, went for retreats and fellowships, stayed away from secular music, and made it a habit to pray every night, not just for myself but for other people too. Somewhere along the way, though, I became inconsistent. This year especially, it feels like I've drifted. I still pray. I still talk to God. I still believe He answers my prayers, so I can't honestly say I've left Him. But I also can't pretend things are the same anymore. Coming back has been harder than I expected, not because I don't want to, but because my mind has become full of questions. Conversations, books, history, and even social media have challenged some of the things I accepted without ever really questioning them. I learned that colonial powers spread Christianity alongside colonisation, and it made me ask: How much of my faith comes from personal conviction, and how much comes from the history I inherited? Then there are the questions that keep bringing me back to Genesis. If God already knew Adam and Eve would eat the fruit, why place the tree there? If He knew Satan would tempt them, why allow it? And if rejecting God leads to hell, how free is our free will? I find myself thinking about women in the Bible. Why have some passages been interpreted in ways that place women beneath men? If God isn't human, why is He always referred to as "He"? I also think about LGBTQ+ community. If someone genuinely says they never chose who they're attracted to, how should Christians understand that? If God created us, why do some people experience attractions that many churches say they shouldn't act on? I'm not asking these questions to argue against Christianity. I honestly just want to understand. Then there are my questions about suffering. When someone survives a tragedy, we often thank God. But what about the people who didn't? If God loves us equally, how do I make sense of one person being rescued while another isn't? I also think about the people God chose to use. David, Moses and Paul were all deeply flawed, yet they became part of the story through which Scripture came to us. I understand that Christians believe God works through imperfect people, but it's still something I wrestle with. Lately, it feels like my relationship with God and my relationship with church have become two different conversations. Sometimes I leave church with more questions than answers. I still believe in God, but I'm learning that my relationship with Him has to be deeper than simply attending a service. Maybe what I'm experiencing is deconstruction. Or maybe it's just learning, unlearning and relearning. I'm not writing this because I've abandoned my faith. I'm writing this because I care enough to ask difficult questions instead of pretending I don't have them. I'm not looking for arguments. I'm looking for understanding. If you've wrestled with questions like these before, or if you have thoughtful answers, I'd love to hear your perspective.

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