We Were Sold the Fantasy of Motherhood - by Whispers Of A Wandering Mind

I was having a conversation with a friend recently, and she told me she wants to have a child. Cute, right? So I asked her, “Why?” She said she loves babies. They’re cute. She wants one. And for some reason, that answer stayed with me. Not because I think wanting a child is wrong. It isn't. But it made me wonder: Do we actually know why we want children, or have we simply been taught to want them? Because wanting the experience of having a child isn't necessarily the same as being prepared for the reality of raising one. A baby is cute. Obviously. The tiny hands, the little feet, the cheeks. I get it. But that same cute baby will become a toddler who pours flour all over their head because apparently that seemed like a reasonable thing to do. They'll become a child who asks you 700 questions in five minutes. Then a teenager who thinks you know absolutely nothing about life. Then an adult with their own opinions, dreams, problems, mistakes and choices. And I think we forget that part. For generations, especially for women, marriage and motherhood have been presented almost like milestones in a fairytale. You grow up. You meet someone. You get married. You wear the beautiful dress. You have the wedding. You get pregnant. You hold your bundle of joy. And somehow, everything falls into place. Nobody really talks about the parts in between. The pregnancy that makes you miserable. The fear that something might go wrong during childbirth. The exhaustion. The possibility of postpartum depression. The financial responsibility. The emotional responsibility. The fact that you can love your child deeply and still sometimes feel overwhelmed by motherhood. Even marriage gets the same treatment. We are sold the wedding, not necessarily the marriage. The gown. The flowers. The pictures. The “forever.” But not enough conversations about resentment, incompatibility, sex, communication, financial problems, emotional exhaustion, losing feelings, or realizing that loving someone does not automatically make living with them easy. We are given the fantasy and expected to figure out the reality ourselves. And maybe that is why some people enter these things in love with the idea of them rather than prepared for what they actually require. It makes me think about our parents too. Some had five children. Some had eight. Some had ten, twelve, even more. And sometimes I wonder: Why? Maybe they wanted the blessing. Maybe they wanted someone to carry their name. Maybe they wanted someone to inherit what they built. Maybe they wanted the warmth of a big family. Maybe they simply wanted children because that was what life was supposed to look like. I don't know. But wanting something and understanding what it requires are two completely different things. You can want eight children and still not have the emotional, financial or psychological capacity to raise eight children well. And I think we've confused the desire to have children with the willingness to actually parent them. Because having a child is not the difficult part. Raising one is. And perhaps that's why we have so many parents who are physically present but emotionally absent. Parents who provide school fees and food but don't really know their children. Parents who wanted children but never really learned how to parent them. Maybe they wanted the idea of a family. Maybe they wanted the blessing. Maybe they wanted someone to carry their name. Maybe they wanted someone to inherit what they built. Maybe they wanted to experience motherhood or fatherhood. Maybe they simply wanted children because everyone else had them. I don't know. And that's exactly why I'm asking. I want to have this conversation with women especially, not to shame anyone, but because I genuinely want to know: Why do you want to have children? Not “because babies are cute.” Not “because I want a mini-me.” Not “because it's the next stage of life.” I mean really: Why? What do you imagine motherhood will give you? What are you prepared to give your child? Do you want the fantasy of motherhood, or are you prepared for the reality of raising another human being? And perhaps most importantly: If society had never told you that marriage and motherhood were things you were supposed to want, would you still want them? I don't have all the answers. I'm not even sure I have my own answer yet. But I think these are questions worth asking before we bring another human being into the world. Because motherhood can be beautiful. Children can be beautiful. Family can be beautiful. But beautiful things can still be difficult. And I don't think we do women, or children, any favours by romanticising only the beautiful parts. So, genuinely, I'm curious. Why do you want children? I really want to hear your answer.

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