Not Girl Enough, Too Much of a Girl

I don't think I've ever been a girl's girl.And it's not by choice.Growing up, when I'd ask, "Am I a girly girl or a tomboy?"people would always just say,"You're just... you."And I know they didn't mean to,but it made me feel like this creaturethat couldn't fit inside the box of femininity.Like I was something else entirely.Something unnameable.Something wrong.When the girls were getting with boys,and it got to me,they'd always say,"I can't imagine you with anyone."And I couldn't either.Because boys acted like I didn't exist. Like I wasn't pretty enough to deserve attention.And when they did notice me,it was with disgust.Like, how dare I not be attractive.How dare I take up space without being decorative.So I got angry.I made jokes about myself before anyone else could.I got aggressive.I fought boys.And I was good at it.I was so good at itthat they finally saw menot as a girl,but at least as a human. For a while, that was enough.Until it wasn't.Because no one wants to hear their crush say,"You remind me so much of a nigga."No one wants to be one of the boyswhen what they really wantis to be seen.To be wanted.To be chosen.So I changed.Skirts.Push-up bras.Jewelry.Makeup.All the things I'd rejected beforebecause they felt like a costume,like someone else's idea of what a girl should be.But I wore them anyway.And it worked.Now they looked at me with desire.I was finally a girl. But no one tells youthat when you become a girl,you also become an object.At least before,when I acted like a boy,I was human.At least when I was "a nigga,"my homeboy still viewed me as a friend.Not something to be conquered.Not something to take.Not something whose body was up for debate.Maybe if I never became a girl,that daythe one I still can't speak about without getting choked upwouldn't have happened. Maybe if I'd stayed invisible,I would've stayed safe.But I didn't know.I didn't know that visibility came with a price.That being seen as desirablemeant being seen as available.That femininity, for all its promises,was just another kind of trap.So I tried to get ahead of it.I sexualized myself first.Same thing I always domake the joke before anybody else could.If I controlled the narrative,if I laughed along,if I made myself the punchline,maybe it wouldn't hurt as much.But the truth is,even when I was in on the joke,I wasn't laughing with them.I was still getting laughed at.And I was still the only one getting hurt.I'm still navigating this.Still trying to figure outwhere I fitin a world that only sees two options:not girl enough,or too much of a girl. Still trying to be humanin a body that people refuse to let just be.Still trying to find a version of myselfthat doesn't come with a costinvisibility or objectification,safety or desire,humanity or girlhood.I don't have the answer yet.I don't know how to be seen without being reduced.I don't know how to exist as a girlwithout becoming a target.I don't know how to reclaim my bodyafter it was taken from methe moment I let the world see it. All I know is this:I'm tired.Tired of performing.Tired of the jokes.Tired of making myself smaller,louder,sexier,tougher,anything other than what I amjust to survive the gaze of peoplewho will never see me as whole.I just want to be a person.Not a girl who's not girl enough.Not a girl who's too much.Just... a person.But I don't know if the world will let me.So I keep navigating.Keep adjusting.Keep trying to find the balancebetween being invisible and being consumed.And I'm still getting hurt.Every single time.

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