Silence: The things we don't say.🥺

I walked out of my house, shutting the door behind me, and moved to the terrace. I needed a breath of fresh air. It was a quiet evening. Everyone seemed to be minding their own business as usual. I saw some children playing around. The moment they saw me, about five of them ran towards me and wrapped themselves around my knees. “Where are you going? We want to go with you!” I chuckled. “I just want to take a walk. I'll be back soon.” They didn't want to accept that.I had to convince them before they finally let me go.I continued walking. I saw people along the way, greeted a few of them, and kept moving. Everything was normal. Quiet. Peaceful. At least, that's what it looked like. Silence. Some define it as nothing. Some call it stillness.Some call it quiet. But the silence I know isn't quiet. It's loud. So loud it grates against my ears. A kind of silence that aches inside your head until you feel like it might implode. There is a particular kind of silence that isn't empty. It's full. Full of things that were never said.Full of questions that were never asked.Full of feelings that were never expressed. There is a silence that comes pregnant, carrying so many words inside it, hoping someone will notice enough to help deliver them. But nobody does.People come around. They talk.They laugh. They ask how you're doing.They engage with you. They see you.But they don't ask the right question. And eventually... It becomes silence again. You sit there, looking around, almost hoping someone will notice something. Anything. That your smile isn't quite right. That you've been quieter than usual. That there's something behind the “I'm fine.” You wait for someone to ask. Not “Are you okay?”Because that's too easy. You want someone to ask the question you don't know how to answer. The question that might finally break the silence. But darling... Nobody asks.So you hold it all back. And hold it back.And hold it back..... Hanging onto a faint line of hope that maybe someone will notice. But sometimes hope looks back at you and says, “It will remain silence.” And that's the strange thing about people. We are constantly surrounded by people, yet somehow we manage to keep so much of ourselves hidden from them. Sometimes because we're afraid to speak.Sometimes because we don't know how.Sometimes because we don't want to burden anyone. And sometimes... We simply want someone to notice without being told. I remember Della. “Evie.” I looked back. It was Della. The same Della who had been body-shaming me in front of those girls. They didn't know I heard.I wasn't even supposed to hear it. I had only gone back because she'd forgotten her book. I wanted to return it because it would be of no use to me anyway. Her handwriting was terrible.She disgusted me. I didn't say that, though. “Hmm... hi.” “Hey. You said you were going to be available for the birthday party tonight. Don't tell me you forgot.” “No, I didn't.” I paused. “I'm not interested anymore. I've got somewhere to be.” "ohh..." “Yeah Bye.” And I walked away. I'm not heartbroken or anything. I don't really care. At least, that's what I tell myself. Whatever they choose to do or say is left to them.Maybe I should have told her. Maybe I should have asked why she said those things. Maybe I should have told her that I heard.Maybe I should have said something. But I didn't.And she didn't ask. So it became silence. And perhaps that's what most of us do. We carry entire conversations inside our heads that never make it past our lips. We rehearse what we want to say.We imagine how the other person might respond.We become angry at conversations that never happened.We forgive people who never apologized.We say goodbye to people who don't even know we're leaving. We love people who have no idea. We hurt people who don't know they hurt us.And sometimes... We are hurting too, while everyone around us thinks we're perfectly fine.All because nobody said anything.How much can a person keep inside? How many words can sit in someone's throat before they become silence? How many feelings can remain unfelt?How many questions can remain unasked? How long can someone sit in the solitude of silence...before they stop hoping someone will hear them? I don't know. Maybe silence isn't the absence of words.Maybe silence is everything we wanted to say... but never did....

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