when did approval become an addiction

“you did really good ” smile“well done” smile “ I'm really pleased with you ” smile.“ I'm really proud of you ” a really huge smile.“you messed up today I'm really disappointed in you ” I die.Sometimes I feel envy just staring at some people looking so effortlessly happy not a single care in the world.I wish I was like them,the ruler of my own universe. the ultimate consumer in my own world, but nothing ever comes easy does it?perhaps I'll work really hard on Grace's art designs and if I'm lucky she'll thank me for it.oh no I can't wear a dress like this what if they make fun of me.I'll go help luke out today at his workshop before I'm gossiped about.Wow she's so confident,the girl I met at the bookstore,if only I can be her friend. should I say hi,no! what would she make of me, she'll have no need for me.this is such a huge project I'll better hand it over, if I mess up they will just jeer and laugh at me.it's the tug of war going on in my head, making me scared to move one step forward for the fear of making a mistake.I got a lot going on in my head you know.I'm this confident teen who's already made her mark in the world through music.the teen who's broken records as a novelist.doing so well in business as well.I can be anyone I want and so much more.I'm happier in my head.So many images run through them, the different lives I may get to live and ones that seem unattainable.In here feels safe and free.I don't need to worry if Grace loves the artwork or if my dress is not to anyone's satisfaction or worry about going to Luke's workshop.I can really handle huge project without messing up as well.and in here I can finally be friends with whomever I want, even the confident girl at the bookstore.but it's not really healthy is it? living more in my head than in the real world.it started with a thanks,then it became an addiction.without approval it felt like the whole world has turned their back on me.I'm living for them, letting them rule my world and allowing their opinions to become the centre of my universe.I know it's wrong but how do I live without valediction, some say it's really easy “ don't care about them or their opinions ”I didn't notice it before but their opinions became a part of my life,a need not a want and finally an addiction.but it's really hard, their thank you's,and well done really meant a lot, will I be able to handle their goodbyes.I guess I have to, I have to at least grasp at at one of my imaginations and turn it into a reality and I can't do that with their voices around.I really want to make friends with the girl I met at the book store but I can't do that with their voices around.I really want to live the life I want with a happy version of myself,a queen taking back the throne in her own universe and finally be free, but I can't do that with their voices around.it's my happiness or theirs, I've come to realise that now, I can't satisfy everyone so it's either I want out or I'm ready to be slave forever to their neverending demands.I'm sorry but adiós people,be damned approval, I'm choosing liberation over damnation.I hope I get to look back and not regret losing approval over the better version of myself.

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