A day at a time - by Obikaeze Precious

Suicide.How bitter coming from my mouth.when a friend or loved one feels it's the only answer to life problems.how does it affect us?I am numb,void of any emotion,I can't make a sound, not even a mumble.I hear the whispers not intended for my ears,some said I was strong, while others thought it bravado, some did say I wasn't enough.perhaps they're right, perhaps I really wasn't enough, perhaps you're better off without me.I stood above your headstone and realized just how fickle it all is, our hopes, dreams and ambitions.I forced myself to cry that day but I could not.does that make me bad?I didn't feel one drip of tears, not one shred of pity, not an ounce of pain.I was numb and it felt surreal like I was on another universe.I waited and waited for you to jump out with a pretty smile and admit that it was all a staged act, but still nothing.It downed on me the next day my dear friend that you weren't coming back.I broke down as the darkness closed in on me, knocking my breath off of me, I felt faint.I promise to share my oxygen with you if only you'd come back to me.Are you finally free?was death really the only way out?are you happy over there?the world looks bleak without you in it,life isn't worth living without you.I gasped out your name over and over again, willing for you to come back.The ache was unbearable,happiness and peace seemed out of reach now, the weight is crushing.I accepted the ache and weight on my heart as a punishment for not being there to save you from yourself,for not grasping on time how at the edge of the cliff you really were. It kills me how your mind made you feel so small and worthless.perhaps I should have checked in more, I should've offered more kind words. I'm sorry my friend that I failed you and I hope that you find peace.I know you wouldn't want me to hurt for to long,can I move on now? or am I just being selfish.I'm sorry that I can't follow you, I'm sorry that I have to leave you all alone in the cold and without warmth.loving you didn't end that day,but it did change form it became something carried instead of shared.I'm still learning slowly,grief doesn't move in straight lines,it circles back and knocks me down without warning.but I'll move forward slowly, a day at a time,I'll never forget you or the days we spent together, but I'll move with you gently stitched in all of my days.Goodnight my dear x. A loved one commiting suicide can be the most fatal blow to our emotional and mental wellbeing.losing a loved one is hard,but losing them to themselves is even harder.they fought and they lost,and we're left behind to gather the pieces. it hurts so bad,it scars so deep,but choosing to move on isn't weakness or selfishness, it's the greatest thing of all.you're a survivor,the world can be harsh to all, but you being here means a lot, you've fought and you've conquered.You're indeed a hero.

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