Do you think you are good enough for this?

Once again I let my self esteem get the best of me.It’s the first one awake.Before the alarm. Before the light.It sits at the edge of the bedwith a list of my nameand all the waysI’ve mispronounced itin other people’s mouths. It says We’re not doing today.And I say okay,because it’s 6:12 AMand I’m already tired of negotiatingwith myself. Do you think you are good enough for this?Social anxiety takes the questionand runs.It’s out the door before I am.It’s at the restaurant ordering me a small one because mediumfeels like asking for too much. It’s in the group chattyping, deleting, typing:“hey guys sorry I can’t make it”and I wasn’t even invited yet. It pre-rejects meso no one else has to. Once again I let my self esteem get the best of me. It’s the reason my handhovers over the post buttonfor seventeen minutes.It’s the reason “I’m proud of you”sounds like a languageI don’t speak. It translates everything: You look nice they pity you.You did good they didn’t notice the mistake.You’re invited they need numbers. It’s fluent.I’m not. Do you think you are good enough for this?For the meeting where I have the answerbut my throat closeslike a store at 5:01. For the party where I standnext to the snacksbecause food doesn’t ask questions. For the phone callthat I let go to voicemailthen text “sorry, was busy”and busy was meon the floortrying to breathe normal.For the mirrorthat I can’t look at. Once again I let my self esteem get the best of me. It picks my clothesnot what looks good,what hides.What doesn’t say “look at me”or worse, “don’t.” It picks my seat:back corner, near the exit.Where my leaving won’t be a scene.Where my staying won’t be a problem. It picks my words:short ones, safe ones.“Yeah. No. I’m good.” Words that don’t have handlesso no one can grab themand ask what I meant. Do you think you are good enough for this?Social anxiety says noand brings receipts. Exhibit A: that time you laughedand no one else did. Exhibit B: that time you said“you too” to enjoy your meal. Exhibit C: every silenceyou filled with sorry. It cross-examines mein front of everyone,and everyoneis just me sittingin different chairs. Once again I let my self esteem get the best of me. It’s why I edit my personalityinto something easier to handlenothing sharp,nothing difficult. It’s why I rehearse “how are you”in the bathroomand still say itlike it’s my first time speaking English. It’s why I replay conversations from 2016while I’m trying to sleep in 2026.Because my brainis a museumand I’m the only visitor,and every exhibitis medoing it wrong. Do you think you are good enough for this?To raise my handwithout my armpitssuddenly sweating. To disagreewithout writing an apologyin my headfor the next three days. To take a complimentand not pick it apart.“Thanks” instead of“What do you want?” To walk into a roomand not map the fastest wayto become invisible.To be lovedwithout keeping scoreof when it ends. Once again I let my self esteem get the best of me.And social anxiety drives me homeafter I was already home.They carpool. They share lunch.They talk about melike I’m not in the car. “He’ll cancel again.”“She always does that thing with her hands.”“He thinks we don’t notice.”We notice. I’m in the back seatwith my hands in my laptrying not to dothe thing with my hands. Do you think you are good enough for this?To admitsome days I am the problem,some days it’s just themwearing my voice again,and some daysI’m just a personbeing eatenby two thingswith my face. Once again I let my self esteem get the best of me. Do you think you are good enough for this?No.That’s the honest answer.That’s the onethey trained me to give. Self esteem gets the best of me.Social anxiety keeps the score. I’m still in the game.Losing by a lotis still playing.Showing up lateis still showing up. Do you think you are good enough for this?No.That’s the question it always asks.

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