The day I stopped explaining myself

Chapter Two “Say it again.” Amara looked up from her phone. “What?” Tessa folded her arms. “Exactly what you said.” They were sitting beneath the old mango tree behind the faculty building. Students moved around them, some rushing to lectures, others sitting on the grass with their books open. Amara lowered her phone. “I said I can't help you with the presentation.” Tessa stared at her. “Why?” “Because I have mine tomorrow.” “So?” “So I need to prepare.” Tessa shook her head. “You've helped me before.” “I know.” “And now you suddenly can't?” “It's not sudden.” “It feels sudden.” Amara sighed. “Tessa, that's not what I mean.” “Then what do you mean?” “I just have a lot going on.” Tessa's eyebrows lifted. “Like what?” Amara hesitated. “My assignment.” “You finished it yesterday.” “Another one.” “When?” “Monday.” “Today is Thursday.” Amara looked away. Tessa laughed once. “Unbelievable.” “What?” “You're avoiding me.” “No, I'm not.” “You are.” “I'm really not.” “Then look at me and say it.” Amara looked at her. “I am not avoiding you.” Tessa held her gaze. “Okay.” She picked up her bag. “Then I'll do it myself.” “Tessa" “It's fine.” “No, wait.” Tessa stopped. Amara stood. “That's not what I was trying to say.” “I know.” “Then why are you acting like” “Like what?” Amara opened her mouth. Nothing came. Tessa waited. Finally, Amara said, “I just need some time.” Tessa's expression softened for half a second. Then she nodded. “Okay.” She walked away. Amara watched her go. “Tessa.” Tessa didn't turn. Amara stood there, gripping her phone. She wanted to call her back. She wanted to explain. Again. But a lecturer appeared at the end of the walkway. “Amara!” She turned. “Sir?” “Your group is presenting tomorrow, correct?” “Yes, sir.” “Have you prepared?” “Yes, sir.” “Good. Don't disappoint me.” He walked away. Amara looked in the direction Tessa had gone. Then at the time. 12:18 p.m. She had thirty minutes before her next lecture. She pulled out her phone. Amara: I’m sorry. She stared at the message. Deleted it. Typed again. I wasn't trying to avoid you. I just genuinely need to prepare for tomorrow. Send. She waited. No response. She put the phone away. Three minutes later, she checked again. Nothing. She typed another message. And it's not because I don't want to help you. She stopped. Deleted it. Please don't think I'm angry with you. Delete. She locked the phone. “Amara.” She looked up. It was Daniel from her group. “Where's the presentation?” “On my laptop.” “You said you'd send it yesterday.” “I know.” “So?” “So I'll send it.” “When?” “Tonight.” “You said that yesterday.” “I know.” “Amara, we can't keep waiting for you.” “I said I'll send it.” “Why are you getting defensive?” Her eyes widened. “I'm not defensive.” “You sound defensive.” “I don't.” Daniel sighed. “Forget it.” He walked away. Amara stood there. First Tessa. Now Daniel. She stared after him. Then she whispered, “What is wrong with everybody today?” Her phone vibrated. She grabbed it immediately. Tessa: Okay. That was all. Amara frowned. She typed: Okay? Three dots appeared. Then disappeared. Nothing. She waited. Still nothing. Her fingers moved before she could stop them. Are you sure you're not angry? No response. She sent another. Because that's really not what I meant. Another. I just have a lot to do. Another. I hope you understand. She stared at the four messages. Four. She had promised herself she wouldn't do this. She had done it anyway. By evening, the presentation file was ready. Amara sent it to the group chat. Amara: Done. Daniel replied almost immediately. Daniel: Finally. She stared at the word. Finally. She typed: I'm sorry. I had a lot going on today. She stopped. Then deleted it. She put the phone down. A minute later, she picked it up again. Sorry. Delete. She threw the phone onto the bed. “Enough.” She walked away. Two seconds later, she returned for it. The screen lit up. A message from Tessa. Tessa: Can we talk? Amara's heart jumped. She called. Tessa answered. “Hello?” “Hey.” “Hey.” “Are you still angry?” A pause. “No.” “You're sure?” “Yes.” “Because earlier” “Amara.” “What?” “Can you just listen?” Amara closed her mouth. “Okay.” Tessa took a breath. “I wasn't angry because you couldn't help me.” “Then why?” “Because you didn't trust me enough to just say no.” Amara frowned. “What do you mean?” “You kept giving me reasons.” “Because I had reasons.” “I know.” “Then” “That's the problem.” Amara leaned against the wall. “What problem?” “You think you have to give people a reason before you're allowed to say no.” Silence. Tessa continued. “You could have just said, ‘I can't do it.’” “But you'd think I was being selfish.” “I might.” Amara's heart sank. “See?” “No. Listen.” Tessa's voice softened. “I might think you're selfish. I might misunderstand you. I might even get annoyed.” Amara swallowed. “But that's my problem to deal with,” Tessa said. “Not yours.” Amara didn't answer. “Amara?” “I'm here.” “You don't have to make me okay with every decision you make.” The room became strangely quiet. Amara looked at the phone in her hand. “What if I hurt you?” “Then I'll tell you.” “And if I don't agree?” “Then we'll talk.” “And if you misunderstand me?” Tessa laughed softly. “Then you'll survive.” Amara smiled despite herself. “You make it sound easy.” “It isn't.” “Then why do you say it like it is?” “Because somebody has to.” They both laughed. For a moment, neither spoke. Then Tessa said, “Goodnight, Amara.” “Goodnight.” The call ended. Amara placed her phone on the table. She took a breath. Then another. She looked at the message box. No explanation. No apology. Nothing. For once, she let the silence stay. The next morning, Amara arrived at the faculty building early. Daniel was already there. He looked at her. “Morning.” “Morning.” “You sent the slides?” “Yes.” “Good.” He turned back to his laptop. Amara waited. “Daniel?” “Yeah?” “I'm sorry about yesterday.” He looked at her. “You don't have to explain.” She froze. He smiled. “I know you had a lot going on.” Then he went back to his work. Amara sat down. For some reason, those five words stayed with her. You don't have to explain. She opened her laptop. The presentation was about to begin. And for the first time, Amara wondered what her life would look like if she actually believed those words.

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