BEFORE I TURNED GUILTY - by Catalyst ✍️

Before I Turned Guilty, I have this innocent look that makes me seem harmless. Well, I am. I can't even remember when I shred down the name saint like it was a taboo. There was a time when I was really afraid of doing the wrong thing, not because someone was watching, but because my conscience would not let me sleep. I used to think being good was simple. Don't hurt people. Don't lie. Don't steal. Don't say the things you wouldn't want someone to say about you. Pray when you can. Say sorry when you're wrong. Keep your hands clean and your heart even cleaner. I thought that was all it took. Then I grew older, and I found out the mind has its own little world.Sometimes, a thought would come to my mind and I would feel guilty right away. Not because I did anything, but because I wondered what kind of person could even think like that. I started judging myself for thoughts I never acted on, feelings I never asked for, questions I was too scared to say out loud. That was when guilt started becoming less about what I had done and more about what I had thought. I began replaying talks after they ended. Why did I say that? Did I sound rude? Did I hurt him? Did she get me wrong? What if I just stayed quiet? Sometimes I would remember something from years ago and suddenly feel ashamed again, like my younger self had done something wrong and my present self had to answer for it. The strange thing is, nobody was blaming me. I was. I became both the one on trial and the judge. My mind would bring up things nobody asked for. A careless word. A selfish thought. A moment of jealousy. A time I didn’t help when I could have. A prayer I said without really meaning it. A good deed I secretly liked being praised for. Small things, normal things, human things, but my mind would zoom in on them until they felt huge and ugly. And maybe that is what changed. I didn’t suddenly become bad. I just became aware that I wasn’t perfectly good either. There are parts of me I don’t show. Thoughts I wouldn’t post. Feelings I wouldn’t say. Jealousy I call “i don't care” Insecurities I hide as confidence. And sometimes, when I am alone, I meet a version of me that is more complicated than the innocent face people see. But maybe that is the most honest part of growing up.We are not always the people we fear we are just because of what we think. We are also the choices we make after those thoughts show up. So no, I haven’t become a terrible person. I haven’t grown horns under this innocent face. I am still me. I still laugh too easily at things, still care about people, still try to do right, still make mistakes and overthink them until they feel like full court cases in my head. I think I just lost the innocence of believing that a good person is someone who never has a bad thought. Now I know better. AA good person can have a bad thought and still choose kindness, can feel jealousy and still be happy for someone, can be angry and still not hurt anyone, can question their faith and still keep looking, can make mistakes, feel guilty, learn, and try again. Maybe I didn’t turn guilty. Maybe I just became aware of my humanity. And honestly, that might be the hardest thing I will ever have to forgive myself for.

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