How To Die In Public

The best place to die is Nigeria.Hear me out.Attention.A gathering to mark the day. Media coverage and the possibility of fame, all in the uncomplicated act of dying. What more could you ask for?But, and this is important, you must do it right. Otherwise, you will be ashes for nothing.Step one: pick your crime wisely.Some crimes are popular, like roasted meat, suya at the junction. Everyone knows it. Smoky, sizzling, slightly charred, leaving mouths watering and tongues wagging. Everyone talks about it, laughs about it, warns about it. Other crimes are secretive, like kidnapping. Many try. Few succeed. Fewer get caught.And you must be caught.Step two: choose your audience.The bigger, the better. Crowds gather like moths to flames, buzzing and circling, waiting for drama. But remember, the right audience depends on the crime. A petty thief attracts neighborhood gossips. A bigger sin pulls in the whole city.Step three: make sure someone is holding a phone.Preferably several. Every twitch, every sweat drop, every gasp should be captured. How else will anyone know you existed?Step four: timing is everything.You do not want to die on a slow day. Pick a time when people are already outside, when the sun is harsh and even boredom is looking for entertainment.Afternoons work best.Markets definitely help.Fuel queues are excellent.People are already gathered, simply waiting for something to happen. You might as well be useful.Arrive too early and you will miss your crowd.Arrive too late and they will miss it.Think of it like a pot of soup. Too much heat and everything burns. Too little and nothing happens, just time wastage.Step five: perform.This is not the time to be shy.Move.Speak.Beg a little if you must.Argue if you have the strength.A good performance keeps people watching. Silence makes them impatient.Remember, this is not just your death.It is content.Someone will narrate what you did wrong. Someone will suggest what should be done next. Someone will swear they saw everything from the beginning.But remember, you are being recorded.Do your part well! Step six: control the ending.This is where most people fail.You think you will have more time. You think you can explain yourself. You think the crowd will wait for the part where everything makes sense.They do not.Someone will shout first. Not a command nor a verdict, just the sound of anger looking for a body.Someone else will agree, and let me tell you, agreement spreads as fast as fire.You should try to speak.Your words should trip over themselves.Your mouth should open and close like it is practicing drowning.But know that it will not matter, because explanations are for quiet rooms, not open streets.Something will hit you.You will not see who threw it.The smell will come before the pain.Sharp. Familiar. Like fuel queues. Like generators. Like smoked meat.This is where the performance ends.The phones will rise higher now.Closer.Steadier.Someone will say this is too much.Someone will say it is deserved.Someone will say nothing at all and keep recording.Heat will erase whatever plan you had left.You wanted witnesses.You will get them.You wanted to be seen.All eyes are on you.And as the fire settles into you, as noise turns into a dull ringing, remember,You did everything right.Nigeria will do the rest.

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