Is This Too Much To Ask For? - by Tioluwani Aina

<img alt="" src="/media/inline_insight_image/1000362956.jpg"/>There you are. You have once again fallen into the comforting embrace of your bed. The more you sink into it, the faster the inevitable feeling of overwhelm envelopes every crevice of your being. Your head is a comms mast, broadcasting a slew of questions, delaying the advent of that precious sleep to come and take you out of your dilemma. It's all in a flash, but you try to recollect everything that led up to this point.You've always been the "good" one, the responsible one. The one who acts before everyone else thinks. The one who has mastered the art of taking the initiative. You try your best to leave no stone unturned and stay ontop of situations, but, it still isn't enough.So much attention to detail, so much care, so much consideration is poured into the barrel that is your responsibilities. The people that are in your orbit to care for, assuming a pendulum swings incorrectly, have no blame ascribed to them because fortunately for you, that is also your cross to carry.<img alt="" src="/media/inline_insight_image/1000362957.jpg"/>As you move around with this Atlas-like load on your shoulders, you see that your own interests are left unattended to. It is not as easy as carrying all of the load from the car where there is still a way to carry even one more. You realize that there must be trade-offs and if one thing is staying nourished then the other will suffer.You begin to carry out those non-interest responsibilities begrudgingly but with still enough care to get it done properly. After all, your conscience is alive and kicking, so, you can't afford to do a half-assed job even though doing it drains you.When all is said and done for the day and you then attempt to attend to your interests, you find out that your tank is already on E. You're only human, so you promise yourself that tomorrow will be different and then the next and then the next and then the next...The days cycle themselves quicker than a Porsche racing in the Grand Prix. The cycling, though, doesn't seem to only turn the days into nights but also fuels the latent frustration in your heart with combustible energy.Then it happens. A little oversight. The call of the nth voice that you didn't hear over being too busy shushing the others. Accusations and corrections begin to fall upon your ears, accusations that imply that all of the work you had done up until that point was pointless. No trace of acknowledgement of Past efforts in sight, only further orders.This flame is fanned with varying intensities depending on their interpretations to the extent of your slip-up. It doesn't matter that these slips are a deviation from the norm, they are treated like they are the norm. This goes on and on, until, the flames decide that the fan has to be scorched.<img alt="" src="/media/inline_insight_image/1000362958.jpg"/>You erupt in a fury, each sentence you utter, punctuated with the undertone of requesting gratitude. That at least, the one you serve, will see that this mistake isn't even in the essence of your intentions. The flames blaze quick but quench almost as soon as they come with every dismissal to your request. You are met with words meant to guilt-trip you and blackmail you BACK into your effortful contribution. There is no care for your care, as you are even now furthermore stunned by their bold indifference.It makes your blood boil but of what use is that anymore? These and many more are the questions that stretch the expanse of your mind before you doze off. The blanket has covered you up from the edge of your shoulder blades to the tip of your toes, turning that blazing fire into a humble spark.<img alt="" src="/media/inline_insight_image/1000362959.jpg"/>Not to get it twisted, it is not that you are above correction or you can't be called out but all you want deep down is acknowledgement. All you want are for your efforts to be honored. All you want right now though is to scrub your mind of the episode that unfolded earlier, which was as a result of an avalanche of suppressed emotions, that implied your efforts mean nothing. All you also want is the understanding that you also have your own life to live. The question that promptly precedes your inevitable slumber, still ringing even in your dreams: Is This Still Too Much To Ask For?

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