Panic Attack - by Ayanfe Adeogun

Ba-Dump!Ba-Dump!Ba-Dump!Ba-Dump!It was loud… too loudNot the world, not the wind, not the distant chatter that blurred into meaningless noise…But my heart. My heart was too loud.I could hear it, no, I could feel it pounding against my ribs as though it were attempting to escape, slamming into it over and over and over again with violent insistence.Ba-Dump! Ba-Dump!Ba-Dump!‘W-what’s happening?’ I couldn’t help but think to myself.I wasn’t running. I wasn’t fighting. So why did I feel like I was afraid. All of a sudden, my mouth seemed to forget how to produce saliva, my skin felt damp, as if I was sweating, but I couldn’t be sweating. The AC in my room was turned on to the extreme.I wanted to stand but I found that my body was no longer listening to me. All I could do was remain stationary, listening to the sound of my heart beat, feeling the sweat spread to all parts of my skin, and wait… wait in ‘fear’, because even if I wasn’t scared at the beginning of everything, I sure as hell was now.And then came the choking. I couldn’t breathe. It seemed ironic that despite my heart beating very rapidly, as if I’d just finished running a marathon, I could not do the only thing that could help regulate its flow.I could feel my lungs expand…But no air came.I inhaled, sharply, desperately, and the air entered. I knew it did, it was basic science. I felt my cheat rise as I inhaled so air must have come in.But it wasn’t enough.Somehow, it felt like it would never be enough.It was like I was trying to breathe through a straw. Like an invisible hand had firmly wrapped around my throat and squeezed it tight…And tighter…And tighter…And tighter…My fingers tingled. More like they were burning. It felt as if my nerves were a mess. It was as though pins and needles stabbed into random parts of my body simultaneously causing me to jolt a bit, and then wince from the pain. My hands trembled uncontrollably, shaking in my line of sight.‘Calm down’The thought echoed in my head.‘Just breathe’And then I felt irritated with myself. If it were that simple, then I would’ve done it already, goddamnit!My vision blurred at the edges. I could see my room tilt slightly, as if the ground beneath me had shifted a few degrees off balance. A few moments later, it felt like there was no ground beneath me. Like I was a dizzy mess floating through the void.Was I going to faint?Was I dying?Was this how people die? Was this how it felt to die ‘peacefully’ in your sleep. Huh? I guess that there really couldn’t be anything peaceful about death.Ba-Dump!Ba-Dump!Fast.It was too fast.A wave of heat rushed through me, immediately followed by a chilling cold sensation that made my skin prickle. The sweat dripping through me seemed to converge at my temple.‘I need to get out’The thought repeated over and over in my headI need to get outI need to get outI need to get out!I NEED TO GET OUT!!!It felt like the walls started to converge on me. The air felt thicker, a lot stuffier, and the sounds were sharper and louder than they usually were. The sound of the clock tick sounded like a bomb. I could hear voices overlapping and distorting into something that didn’t sound like it should come from human beings.Too much.It was all too much.I felt my chest tighten again, and a sharp pain shot through it causing me to let out a low gasp. A low gasp that sounded like the loud roar of a tornado.My legs weakened. I felt my body hit something and I concluded that I somehow fell off my bed.My breaths came in quicker now, faster than it was before. I tried to regulate them.In.Out.In.Out.I-Damnit! It wasn’t working, nothing was working.My throat clenched further and a strangled sound left my mouth, something that sounded like a startled chihuahua. It was embarrassing. But it wasn’t like I could do anything about it.Ba-Dump!Ba-Dump!Ba-Dump! “Hey—"I heard a voice.“Look at me, I said look at me”I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. All I could do was listen, even though I didn’t want to. Because the sound of them talking softly sounded like someone held a siren directly in front of my ears.I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I don’t even know if it was a hand, because it felt like a mountain was dropped on me. My body jerked violently at the contact, and somehow, if it was even possible, my heart started beating faster.“Don’t…” For the first time in this ordeal, I spoke. My voice sounded raspy, and low, and not at all like a human sound. “…touch- Don’t touch me…”“I can’t—I–I–I can’t—I can’t breathe—”“No, you can. You can breathe. You are breathing, okay. You’re okay, alright?”At that moment, I felt like slapping the color out of whoever that was talking. I said couldn’t breathe, and you’re telling me otherwise. When I said I couldn’t breathe, did I look like I was joking around?And I definitely was not Okay.If I was okay, then why did it feel like my chest was caving in, like someone repeatedly hammered onto my heart? Why did my fingers feel numb? Why was everywhere so blurry? Why did it feel like I was lying in a puddle of my own sweat? Why couldn’t I move? Why did everything sound so loud? Why did I have no sense or direction or orientation? Why did everywhere hurt? Why couldn’t I talk?So I was not okay. I was definitely not okay.“You’re alright, you’re not dying”.How could they know that?Were they inside my body? Could they feel everything that I was feeling. At that moment, I decided that I realized the true meaning of ‘dying peacefully in your sleep’. It was being left to die in peace. Nobody wanted to be in the presence of an idiot in their final moment, especially one like the person who was trying to lie to me.“Look at me”.No.“Look at me”.No.“Just try it, look at me”.Reluctantly, I forced my gaze upwards, and saw the person that was talking to me.I couldn’t recognize them. Their face swam in and out of focus, but I could see their eyes locked onto mine.“Breathe with me”. They whispered. “In… Out…”I tried.I inhaled a puff of air, and winced slightly when I felt the suffocating pressure that came along with it.“Hold it, man. Hold it”.My chest screamed in protest. The metaphorical needles that were stabbing my skin felt so real, but I managed to hold the breath.“Now release”.I trembled as I released the breath, feeling a brief respite from my jumbled nerves.Ba-Dump! Ba-Dump!I could still hear the sound of my heart, beating fast. But not as fast as it was initially, and not as violent.“Again”.And so I inhaled again.And again.And again.And again.And again. Until the crushing pressure that I felt started to loosen before disappearing entirely. The hands that wrapped around my through unclasped. I could feel my heart rate but it was no longer painful or loud.And finally, breathing didn’t hurt.I pulled myself against my bed frame and let out a relieved sigh. I was fine.The suffocation.The terror.The uncertainty, all of it was gone.It was as though my body had turned into a battlefield and declared war on me without warning.But I was still here, alive. I didn’t die ‘peacefully’ in my sleep. I was breathingBa-Dump!Ba-Dump!And for the first time in what felt like an eternity……I couldn’t hear the sound of my heart beat.

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