The wrong kind of survival - by Zarah Writes

I had the option of dying or hurting myself, and somehow, I still managed to choose the wrong kind of survival. It’s obvious what I picked. I wouldn’t be typing this if I had picked death. I picked the pain that leaves evidence instead of the kind that leaves a grave. And I stayed because of someone. One person who has put more effort into keeping me alive than I have ever put into keeping myself here. Someone who kept choosing me when I was becoming increasingly difficult to choose. Someone who made staying feel like an obligation I could barely carry, but couldn’t bring myself to drop. So I stayed. And then I hurt myself anyway. And somehow, I became the villain for surviving. I was called an attention-seeking whore. As though hurting myself was some performance staged for an audience. As though I wanted the scars. As though I wanted people to look at me and see something broken. But I screamed for help in everyone’s faces. I begged to be seen. To be understood. To have someone look past the anger, the silence, the jokes, the disappearing acts, and actually ask me what was wrong. And somehow, it became too much. My pain became too loud. My existence became too heavy. My desperation became an inconvenience. I was blamed for living. Blamed for not choosing death. There is something deeply disturbing about being made to feel guilty for not disappearing. And the person who said it knows. That’s the part that hurts the most. They know my problems. They know the things that have happened to me. They know the parts of me I don’t show people. They know exactly how badly my mind can turn against me, and somehow they still decided that shame was the appropriate punishment for failing to cope perfectly. Maybe they think I wanted attention. Maybe they need to believe that because it’s easier than admitting that sometimes a person can be drowning right in front of you and still be unable to explain how deep the water is. But I know what happened. I wasn’t asking to be worshipped. I wasn’t asking for pity. I was trying to survive something inside my own head that I didn’t know how to survive. And despite everything, I’m still here. Not because I suddenly love being alive. Not because the scars stopped hurting. Not because everything is okay. I’m here because one person kept giving me reasons to stay when I had none of my own. So if I have to choose between the person who saw my pain and still decided to shame me for it, and the person who saw the same pain and decided I was worth keeping alive… I’m choosing the latter. Maybe staying isn’t brave yet. Maybe it’s just stubbornness. Maybe it’s just one more day stolen from the part of me that wants everything to end. But it’s still a day. And for now, that’s enough.

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