DISTANCE - by Yemi And The Pen

The Thing About Growing Apart It was a beautiful sunny morning. At least, that's how some people would describe it. To me, it was just a reminder of the many days left in the weekend. Hint: there were none.I grabbed the mail from the porch step, and went back into my house. I browsed through the papers.Just the same old stuff. Bills, magazines, letters. Though the last one caught my eye. The envelope had a very intricate gold design. I only ever got official letters. This one looked ceremonial.I read the enclosed letter and just stared at it for a while. It didn't bring good memories. I was instead pulled back to the memory of the last fight I had with my sister. I had something very important to tell her that day. I poured some orange juice in a glass and went up to her room.I knocked and entered. "I brought you some orange juice!"I found her in front of her vanity, trying to shape her eyebrows.That's definitely not something you do if you were planning to stay in the house. "Where are you going?" I asked gently as I placed the glass on her bedside table."Out. With some friends." She moved to the other eyebrow.Vague. "I thought you didn't have plans." "Yeah. It's pretty last minute, but I was kind of bored." "Where are you going?" "They invited me to tennis." "I see." I paused.How do I say this? "I was hoping you and I would have dinner together. Tonight." "Oh. I don't think I'd be back before then."I sat on her bed. "Yeah. I figured. It's just... I already made reservations. That's what I came to tell you actually." "We can always have dinner another night." No, we can't."Could you just tell your friends you've found somewhere else to not be bored?" I prodded.She scoffed. "I can't just bail on them, Joanne. I didn't know you had plans with me." "It was supposed to be a surprise." "You should have run it by me first." "That's not how surprises work, Evelyn." I could tell this conversation was going in the completely wrong direction. But I couldn't tell why I didn't leave it alone."Can I come with you?" "You weren't invited." "Probably because you've only introduced me to your friends how many times? Oh, yeah. Once." She turned around slowly, tweezers still in her hand, one eyebrow half-shaped. She didn’t look confused. She looked braced. "What's that supposed to mean?""You know exactly what it means. It's like you're trying to keep me away from them because you're embarrassed by me."Her jaw tightened. She set the tweezers down carefully on the vanity.She didn't answer immediately. She looked at me the way people look at glass they’re afraid might crack.And I knew my sentiment wasn't completely wrong. Two years ago, I had the kind of tiredness that sleep couldn’t fix.It wasn’t alarming at first. Just a slow dimming. I stopped answering calls, stopped opening curtains, stopped caring when the day became night and night, day. I told myself I was just overwhelmed. I would soon get back to my normal routine. Then I started taking things to quiet down the noise. First to sleep, then to wake up, then to get through the hours in between. Somewhere along the way it stopped being occasional and became necessary. I wasn’t trying to die. I was just tired of feeling like I already was. That night, I swallowed more than I should have and lay there waiting for it all to go quiet.All I know is that it was Evelyn who found me.She essentially saved me from killing myself. Maybe she upended her life doing so and blamed me for it. "I'm not embarrassed by you," she said finally."Then why is it always them, your friends? Why are you always trying to get away from me.""I'm not trying to get away from you. I'm trying to have my own life.""Why can't I be a part of it?""Oh, I think you've been part of it quite enough.""If you think I'm leeching off of you, then trust me, it is not my intention. Don't forget, before I had that whole episode two years ago, mum and dad died. And where were you to help carry some of the burden? Only for you to sweep in an act like some saviour because I overdosed." She clenched her right hand. "You think I saved you because I wanted credit? You think you loved mum and dad more than I did?" "Sometimes it feels like that." " Well, you're wrong.” She paused, then continued, "Their passing shattered me. Maybe I couldn't return to that house because I just couldn't face it. Did you ever ask me that?” No, I didn't. She certainly didn't give me a reason to believe that she cared. I don't know when the dynamic between me and Evelyn changed, but it didn't start two years ago. Maybe it was when we went off to different universities.Or probably when we started high school and had different interests.All I know is she used to be my best friend. And then she wasn't anymore. I've been trying to fix our relationship since I moved in. For us to be more than just sisters. Evelyn leaned back against the dresser and crossed her arms, but not defensively. It was more like she was holding herself together.“I didn't hate mum and dad. Though I didn't agree with them often. I mean, they always thought their greatest achievement was creating two of the same person. Do you know what it's like introducing yourself and watching someone’s face change when they realize you’re a twin? It’s never just me after that. It’s ‘Oh, which one are you?’ ‘Oh, are you the quiet one?’ ‘Oh, you’re the second one.’ It’s like I stop being a person and start being a comparison. I keep my worlds separate because I want one place where I’m not half of something. Where I’m not someone’s counterpart. Where I don’t have to explain you to be understood." A pause. “And ever since that night…" she continued. "Ever since I found you and pulled you back… everything shifted. You say you’re better now. And I’m glad. God, I’m glad. But it’s like I’ve become responsible for your gravity. Like if you spiral again, it’ll somehow be on me.” Her voice didn’t rise. If anything, it dropped.“I don’t need saving anymore. I just need you,” I explained.“I don’t think I want to be needed.”“Evelyn, we’re twins. People are always going to lump us together.”“Exactly. I don’t want to be your other half. I just want to be me.” She looked away when she said it. Toward the mirror. Toward her own reflection. As if she needed to see herself alone to believe it. There it was. Just true.Some part of me had a feeling, but I guess I needed confirmation. My sister didn't say she hated me. I knew she didn't. Yet, a small part of my brain tried to convince me that she did. And it hurt. The one person you think would stick with you against all odds is the one who wishes to not be seen with you.I felt a tear run down my right cheek. My voice came out steadier than I felt. I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand before she could see the tear fall. "I'm keeping you from getting dressed," I said and walked away. Our dinner tonight. I was supposed to tell her I'd be moving out. I wasn't angry, weirdly enough.If she wants distance, I'll give it to her.A friend had sent me her address weeks ago, just in case. She'd informed me of a job opportunity that she was convinced was absolutely made for me. I passed the interview and was so ready to be independent again. I'd packed my bags the night before. I guess deep within, I knew I would be going tonight.I left the house before Evelyn returned, but I had been sure she found the note I had written. Don't look for me. Please. I had been certain she did. And I had been even more certain she couldn't find me.I moved all the way across the country. To a place she'd seemingly never heard of before.But now, staring at the invitation in my hand, I guessed she'd probably found me years ago. Knew better than to reach out. Or maybe, she just didn't want to. Either way, I sat there, contemplating whether to attend this wedding or not. And that alone was answer enough.

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