He Didn't Love Me. He Just Wanted Me.

And I finally learned the difference. I thought he loved me...Because of the way he looked at me. Because his hands couldn't stay off me. Because every time I walked into the room, his eyes would burn through me. I mistook hunger for love. He told me yesterday. Not directly, but he finally said the truth I had been running from. He never loved me. He was just lusting over me. He said the sexual tension was too much. That he couldn't control himself around me. At first, I thought that was romantic. I thought that meant I was irresistible. Now I understand... he didn't see me as a future. He didn't see me as his partner. He saw me as a feeling. A momentary high. A body to want, not a soul to keep. And I ended it. I was the one who walked away, because I was tired of being touched but never chosen. Tired of being desired in the dark but ignored in the light. But why does it still hurt so much if I was the one who left? It hurts because I still waited for his message. It hurts because I saw he viewed my last message and didn't reply. It hurts because four days later, he's posting on his status, laughing, living, like I never existed. Like we never existed. He has moved on. And I am here, sitting with all this love I saved for someone who only wanted my skin. If you have ever been lusted over but never loved, you know this pain. It's a different kind of heartbreak. It's not just "he left." It's "he never even stayed to know me." It's realizing you were crying over someone who was only ever thinking about how you made him feel, not about who you are. I deleted the chat today. Not because I hate him. But because I love me more. I am not just a body. I am not just tension. I am not just a pretty face he feeds his eyes on. I am Favour. I write. I dream. I love deeply. I forgive even when it hurts. I am the kind of woman you build a home with, not just a night with. And one day, someone will see that. Someone will look at me and want my laugh before my lips. My mind before my body. My future before my flesh. So if you're reading this and a man made you feel like you were only good for one thing...please hear me: You were not hard to love. He was just too shallow to love you deep. We will be loved properly one day. The right way. The staying kind. Until then, we heal. We write. We glow. And we never, ever beg to be chosen by someone who only wanted to use us. © Favour Joseph Adi

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