the difficulty of being

do you ever wish you could properly write down your feelings, articulate them properly so that when you read them, it'd make sense n you'd finally be able to put a label to it.‎‎i'm just like you.‎‎every now n then, i get to experience certain emotions n vibrations. they'd leave me w a sort of dissonance w myself, trying to search for the why n how of them.‎‎also, something about me doesn't enjoy being alive. it's not like i'm outrightly sad, even though there's a million n one ways for my life to be so much better. i don't complain cos i know i'm destined for the fine things of life. there's just this void inside that not just being around close loved ones can fill. but you have to live for them. they become your anchor.‎‎i had a lover once who made me feel whole. i merged w him. i let myself die in so many ways so i could be true to him.‎‎the moments i had w him were some of the best i could attribute to my early years.‎‎when love was not enough n we parted ways, i was wrecked.‎‎my identity, something i had never known too well, became more vague to me. i didn't just lose a person, i lost the version of myself that existed around him. i had spent so much time becoming whatever we were that when we stopped being us, i wasn't quite sure what was left of me.‎‎do you know what it means to live just cos you have to, cos you're a coward n you can't take your own life.‎‎do you ever wonder what it'd be like if you'd felt complete, if you actually had desires that you wanted to have not because society expects you to have or desire those things. to have complete autonomy and agency over your mind n body, to know exactly what you want n like without needing validation that you're doing the right thing.‎‎my default setting is to be led n told what to do. that's what i've known all my life, n now i'm being told to lead n do things for myself. it's strange being handed the responsibility of becoming a person when you're not entirely sure you've ever been one.‎‎maybe that's why i want to merge w someone again. to lose my identity again so i can feel a sense of purpose. i think that's fucked in a way but at the same time, that's my preference. maybe i'd rather belong to someone than have to figure out what it means to belong to myself.‎‎to have a hollow inside you sucks, then to lose interest in being alive, that's scary.‎‎someone once told me the only way to be better is to find a space in religion n hold on to it. to believe in something bigger than myself. perhaps the reason i feel this hollow is because i've spent too much time looking for something inside myself that was never meant to be there, they said. believe in something bigger than yourself. surrender. let God lead you.‎‎which, ironically, is probably the worst advice you could give someone like me.‎‎because i've spent my entire life being led. my default setting is to be told what to do, what to want, what is right n what isn't. now that i'm being asked to make decisions for myself, i'm supposed to surrender again, just to another authority, another invisible thing that knows better than i do.‎‎that's a whole lot of crap in my opinion.‎‎religion to me is a form of delusion that i really can't bother myself with. not even necessarily because i think the idea of God is impossible, but because i don't understand why i should hand over whatever little agency i have left n call it faith.‎‎one of my earliest banters as a child, in my head, was if God knows our end from the beginning, then He knows about all the sins i'd commit before doing them. every choice. every mistake. every terrible thing. they say He had given us free will to do whatever we want, but how do we have free will when He already knows the end from the beginning.‎‎horse crap.‎‎but i'd think about it for too long.‎‎sometimes for days.‎‎and for those moments, i'd enter some sort of derealization. i'd become so consumed by the thought that everything around me stopped feeling real. i'd be lying there, aware of myself in a way that frightened me, suddenly conscious of my body, my hands, my voice, the room around me.‎‎i was legit surprised about having a body n not just some voice.‎‎wait, i'm actually inside this thing.‎‎these are my hands.‎‎this is my voice.‎‎this is a body.‎‎and somehow i'm the one who's supposed to be living through it.‎‎maybe that's where all of this started.‎‎maybe i've always been looking for something outside myself to tell me what this body is supposed to do, where it's supposed to go, who it's supposed to love, what it's supposed to want.‎‎because deciding for yourself is terrifying when you've never really believed there was a self there to begin with

Other insights from Emevusi

Contributor Points

Points-to-Coupons

Referral Earning