VULNERABILITY - by Oluwaseyifunmi Salu

Well seems like this is going to be one of my most vulnerable thoughts or writing .Vulnerability in psychology and relationships, "it means opening up, showing your true feelings, and allowing yourself to be emotionally exposed without guaranteeing a positive outcome. While it can feel like a weakness, it is often viewed as a form of courage and a driver of deep, authentic connections." For a long time I never opened up to people, I loved my space. I enjoyed keeping certain things to myself.When I see people cry during worship, it seems cringe I never understood the dynamics of having a relationship with God. I grew up in a Christian home, my relationship with God was simply to participate in church activities , night devotion and learn my memory verse so I could show other kids that I knew my bible. I never knew you could talk to God about a situation that hurt you.As a child hurt wasn't really something I acknowledged, I did but I never knew how to say it out, or even finding a solution to it.Emotional trauma never existed in my world, trauma sounded foreign; not like nothing traumatized me, but I had no words for it.I was just a girl carrying a lot on her shoulders without knowing how to put it down, so I could be free.Vulnerability to me sounded like an impossible task, sounded like weakness. Finally a day came I told someone close to me certain incidents that I had held on to for so long. I expected judgements, at the same time I expected pity, sympathy and all. That was how I started becoming vulnerable to people to an extent but not to God, it sounded foreign to me. Well, not until an incident when I became very bare to a particular person my vulnerability was taken advantage of and I concluded I was never going to tell people about any events, but I still did.Vulnerability with friends was quite a lot, I had this mindset of I was becoming a burden to my friends or people. Certain times when I try to voice out my feelings, there is always a waging war inside of me. Vulnerability with God is coming bare before God, no hiding, no mincing of words, no shame, no fear, just you before God expressing your emotions and self.I learnt this in a loving but hard manner.A particular incident happened I felt bad I couldn't pray, when I finally did it was to build capacity, not acknowledging the hurt before God, I was in denial for months. My friends prayed for me but I never told God how I felt; we all know that God has His own timing of doing things, I was instructed by a friend to take the hurt to God, that was when I realized that I was angry, my response was cold, where was He when the incident happened?For days I struggled to express those words, to spell out the hurt, tried crying when praying but my hearts had built walls, I struggled with getting out the words and tears, I fought with my feelings.Being broken by God and refined by Him taught me that the process would be painful, you will cry but you will come out strong. I heard people often say I spoke to God about this, I desired it but didn't know how to go about it.I tried it for once and saw how beautiful it was, but still felt scared, started telling Him about certain things and it got to a point that I could cry and get comforted. Vulnerability with God, taught me that God is interested in turning my weakness into strength. He saw it happen but still want you to talk to Him about it. He knows you felt this way but He wants to hear it from you.I am saying this to someone that you want to be vulnerable before God, it has to do with being broken, being refined, your heart being worked on and you will see how beautiful it is to be yourself before God.We have considered the male child to always be strong and never show any sign of weakness, we have instilled this mindset that vulnerability is not supposed to be in a man's system.Maybe if we look at David in the Bible we will understand what being bare actually means.A man would want to complain about the responsibilities being placed on Him, he has to look out twice before voicing out to his friends.To the male out there, you are allowed to express yourself.I love you and I am rooting for you ❤️ The journey of becoming continues 🤍

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