You failure!🥺 - by Big Dee

People look at me today and say,“You’re strong.”“You’re evolving.”“You’ve grown.”"Wow, you're so smart""You're so brilliant" But they don’t know the story behind my becoming.... It's how my head always screamed "You failure! You disappointment!" I am the first child.The one who was supposed to “set the pace.”The example.The one everyone expected to shine first. But life didn’t happen like that for me.🥺 My initial younger brother?He was the bright one.The child who understood things before anyone even finished explaining. I still remember the first day my dad taught us how to read the clock.My brother got it immediately…I didn’t. And I still remember the beating.The shame.The questions in my little head:“Why am I not getting it?”“Am I slow?”“Is something wrong with me?” Then came Roman numerals.My brother already knew 1 to 100.With ease.With confidence.Like his brain was born ready. I used to stare at him, wondering,“How does he know all this?”“Why can’t I be like that?” Being the first child didn’t help.African parents don’t hide comparison, even when they don’t mean harm.“Look at your brother.”“Why is he the one teaching you?”“You should know this before him.”“He’s doing better than you.” Every word felt like a tiny cut.Every comparison pushed me further into myself.Slowly, I began to shrink.Slowly, I began to believe I wasn’t enough. And then came the stage of life where everyone else was entering university… I wrote JAMB six times.Six. Because I wanted to study Medicine.I wanted to become a surgeon.I wanted to make everyone proud.I wanted to go to a university!I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t the “slow child” they thought I was. Every time a result came out, hope rose… and crashed again. And the times I finally got admission, but not for Medicine... I rejected them.Because I wanted that dream, I wanted to break the narrative, it was always what I wanted to become growing up... When I was in secondary school and I heard how wonderful studying the course is? I wanted to show that I could do something hard. But the mockery started: “Why not just settle for it?”“Is it that deep?”“You should know your level.”“If it were your brother now, he’d get it.”“If it were your brother, he wouldn’t waste time.” Those words broke me in ways I don’t talk about often. I was fighting for my dreams…but it felt like everyone was fighting against them. At some point, I almost hated my brother.Not because he did anything wrong, but because the comparison made it feel like my existence was “less.” But I taught myself not to hate him.He didn’t ask to be brilliant.He didn’t ask to be compared with me.He didn’t ask to become the standard I was measured against. He’s studying his dream course now.Moving in his own pace.Doing well. And me?I’m still figuring my life out…but guess what? It is better than it has ever been. For the first time in my life, I have peace of mind.I’m evolving.I’m growing.I’m becoming.I’m learning to clap for myself even when no one claps for me.I’m learning to believe in myself even when I don’t understand everything.I’m learning to love myself without condition. Most importantly… I’m learning how NOT to raise my children. I know how comparison feels.I know how words can wound a child’s identity.I know how “innocent comments” stay with you for life.African parents don’t always mean harm… but harm still happens. I am rewriting that cycle with my own life. So if you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt “behind”…If you’ve ever been compared…If you’ve ever been mocked for dreaming too big…If you’ve ever tried and tried and tried again…If you’re still figuring out your path… You want to know where BIG DEE came from? My pains 😢... It's a reminder that I'm bigger than this.😊 Please, listen to my story: You are not slow. You are not behind. You are not a failure. Your journey is different, not lesser.Your timing is unique, not late.Your story is valid, not embarrassing. Keep evolving.Keep growing.Keep believing. Because one day, everything that made you cry will become the reason someone else refuses to give up. And that…is a beautiful becoming.🥰 <a class="tc-blue external-link external-link" href="https://twocents.space/insights/tag/iambecoming" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#IamBecoming</a><a class="tc-blue external-link external-link" href="https://twocents.space/insights/tag/bigdee" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#BigDee</a>

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