There is a particular kind of Nigerian person who is always almost there.

“I'm coming.”

Meanwhile, they are still lying on the bed, negotiating with their pillow like two business partners who cannot agree on a contract.

You will call them at 8:00.

“Where are you?”

“I'm almost there.”

Almost where? Because the last time I checked, your slippers were still under the bed and your bathwater was getting cold.

And Nigerians have mastered the art of giving directions without actually knowing where anything is.

“Enter the road. You will see one big tree. Turn left. Ask anybody.”

Which tree? There are 47 trees on this road. And why am I asking a stranger to direct me to a place you invited me to?

Then there's the person who says, “I'm five minutes away.”

That five minutes has suffered more extensions than a Nigerian university project.

But perhaps the funniest part is that we have all become victims of our own lies.

You tell someone you're almost there because saying “I haven't even started dressing” feels like a confession that requires legal representation.

At this point, punctuality is no longer a character trait. It is a miracle.

And if you ever meet a Nigerian who says, “I'm outside,” please check properly.

They might be outside your house, outside their own house, or outside the country.

Nobody knows. 😂